Maybe it is because I have been wrapping up therapy for some families and some clients lately. Maybe it is because my son recently finished his last day of preschool. Perhaps it is just where I am at in life, the dreaded middle age. Lately I have been contemplating goodbyes.
It has always been my belief that the middles of things are where there is the greatest value. You can see the truth of this in a jelly filled donut, a gooey slice of pizza and, in my personal favourite, a buttery piece of garlic bread.
It is true in life as well. It is not how someone died that matters, it is how they lived. It is not how a relationship ended but how it made you feel, what you learned from it about yourself and about others. That is the real meat of a relationship. It is not how you felt when you first met them but how you learned to be together during the regular stuff.
It has dawned on me recently that perhaps endings are more important than I originally thought. Maybe this is because as I get older I want to hold on to hope that I am not just living the best years of my life but that things will continue to get better.
A friend of mine many years ago told me about watching her husband die of cancer. She told me that she was thankful that he embraced death rather than fighting it. She told me that it was a real gift for her that she knew he was okay with how the story of his life would end. Of course it wasn’t pretty nor was it easy on either of them but he made as graceful an exit as he could.
While I am wrapping up sessions with clients, I often find myself wanting to hang on. I like being a part of people’s lives. I build intense emotional relationships with people. I am changed by them as I hope they are by me in some small way as well. Part of these relationships is the process of letting go. It is often the most important part. Helping people experience a good goodbye rather than a traumatic one. Ultimately all of our relationships will end in a goodbye.
I went on a family vacation with my parents and siblings recently. It was amazing to watch my parent’s joy in simply seeing their children and grandchildren all in the same room at the same time. My mother welled up with tears watching the grandkids simply have their picture taken together. My Dad spoke of the kids as being his “legacy.” It is then that I realized that while I hope I still have decades with my parents that they are already preparing us and themselves for the inevitable endings that will eventually come. While this may seem painfully sad it also is truly amazing.
A goodbye at its best leaves everyone feeling a sense of loss, pain and sadness, but also a sense of hope and strength. Ideally it is a process that includes reflection, acceptance and, if we are lucky, one that can be done with grace. Whether it be a relationship, a loved one, a move or a preschool graduation, a good goodbye leaves everyone knowing that they are a little better off from having the experience.
So I have decided to change my thinking. I still like to enjoy the middle of things. The jelly in the middle of the donut is pretty good. But like any good baker, my favorite part of cooking is licking the bowl while cleaning up and reflecting on a job well done.