Author: Krista Osborne

“I don’t have the grades for that,” I remember thinking this and other self-deprecating thoughts when I was in my first year as a psychology student.  “Only smart people can be therapists.”  “No one would ever take me seriously.”  There is no way I ever thought I would end up a counsellor.  I dismissed the idea as ludicrous even though I was drawn to the idea.  Instead I decided to cut out all the Help Wanted ads that I could find that interested me, jobs that I thought were just beyond what I thought I was qualified to do.  I figured someone was bound to give me a chance eventually.  And they did.

How I ended up exactly where I am is beyond me.  I started as a waitress, then worked as a City Worker while I was in school and ended up here.  There were twists along the way, personal and professional ones.  I gave up on being a psychologist early on.  The classes didn’t interest me.  I finished my Psychology degree and with that I thought my dreams of therapy were done.  Eventually I went on to be a Social Worker and found the profession that suits me like a pair of well worn jeans.  I continued on to do my Master’s and eventually ended up exactly where I wanted to be in the first place.

A year ago I made a pretty big decision. I decided that it was time to take the leap into Private Practice as a therapist.  I am still dumbfounded that it all worked out.  I worked hard, tackled my insecurities and ignored my fear of failure.  The last year has had its ups and downs.  My profession of choice is very emotion-centered and there are consequences to that.  I am proud of how I have handled myself.

I am grateful for every client that walks in my door.  They offer their lives and most personal thoughts up for me to analyze, explore and challenge.  They do this willingly.  The preciousness of the role I have in their lives is not lost on me.

One of the best ways to battle insecurity and self doubt is to celebrate success and mark occasions of joy.  Make a big deal of what you are doing right and focus less on what isn’t working.  That is the problem with many Self Help books.  They spend too much time telling you what is wrong with you.  It is a waste of energy and money. Celebrate who you are and what you have accomplished.  Change will come with acceptance, if it needs to come at all.

I tend to be a person that minimizes my own success and quietly celebrates my achievements.  I was always taught not to brag.  This blog and my practice have challenged me at every turn.  After all what kind of business doesn’t advertise its services and what kind of therapist can’t follow her own advice?

So today I am choosing to celebrate and be proud.  Krista Osborne Counselling Services started a year ago in August.  In my wildest dreams I never would have guessed this is where I would end up.  I’m fortunate  to do what I love and that is amazing.

Do you celebrate the successes in your life?  Do you need to make room in your life to celebrate and be proud of who you are?  Here is my challenge to you: take a second to celebrate and be proud of yourself for something you’ve accomplished no matter how small. Hopefully you will be happy with the outcome.

Today I was reading my local paper and ran across this article in the St. Albert Gazette.  I felt compelled to submit this Letter to the Editor in response.  Let me know what you think.  (UPDATE:  As a result of this letter the Gazette has rewritten the article.  The link here is to the new article as they have removed the original version.  I am impressed with their quick response.)

Re: Man creates stir atop pedestrian bridge

As a therapist working and living in the community of St. Albert, I was disappointed by the tone of Ms. Pruss’ article.  I was also dismayed that the Gazette chose to publish it in this manner.   There is nothing amusing about an intoxicated man on a pedestrian bridge.  I do not presume to know his motivations but if in fact he was a “would be jumper” as the headline suggests then the man needs our help not our ridicule. 

While I’m sure Ms. Pruss was intending to be witty with her flowery language describing the “acrobatic” skills of the man, I don’t think the language is professional from a journalistic standpoint as it editorializes rather than reports.  I also think it insensitive. This man likely has family and/or friends concerned for him and his safety. 

There are likely thousands of residents of St. Albert that suffer from alcoholism or mental health concerns.  Articles like this further stigmatize these issues and make it harder for them to reach for help. As a society we too often look for the quick laugh rather than provide compassion. 

To the man on the bridge: If you are reading this, there are people out there that can help you if you need it.  Here is the number for the Distress Line 780-482-4357 (HELP).  Maybe this was a drunken prank or a cry for help, I really don’t know. Either way, I hope you find the support you need. 

Krista Osborne, MSW, RSW.  

Years ago I came to the conclusion that I like to be busy.  I am happiest and most effective with my time when I have multiple things on the go.  I am not alone in this.  Many people in our society are overachievers and workaholics, sometimes to the detriment of their personal lives but not always.  I can’t remember a time when I held down just one job.  I am usually juggling volunteer work, school, multiple jobs and family.  I am not looking to brag or be praised.  In fact, sometimes I feel a bit ashamed.  Can I really be healthy, happy and available to my family when I have so much going on?  I feel like people judge me for it.  I do it all because I like to do things this way.  It is part of who I am.  It is how I am happiest.

This summer I have had some significant down time.  This is a good thing and much needed.  But down time makes me twitchy.  It hasn’t surprised anyone around me that I feel the need to fill that time with some project.  This year that project is me.  Just over a year ago, I was involved in a car accident that caused some significant whiplash.  Since then I have been feeling my age.  My body has decided that it isn’t 20 anymore.  I have been feeling lethargic, overwhelmed and weak.  So after months of being busy with other people’s emotions and personal issues, I thought I should carve out some time this summer for me.

I have started running again.  I have always considered myself a runner.  Even though until this year I hadn’t put on my runners for over 10 years.  The running started slow.  I ran a 5km race early in the season, and then another this month.  I put on the runners occasionally and went for a jog.

I decided to start training for a 10 km race.  So I got a training app and set out.  I am so excited that I am diving right in.  The training program has rest days built in.  Funny enough these are the hardest days so far for me.  I don’t want to take a day off.  I am excited to get moving and see progress.  I feel good after I have pushed my body further than it has gone in a while.  So the first couple rest days I ran anyway.

In therapy I often have to tell clients to slow down.  The work of therapy doesn’t actually take place in a session with me.  It takes place in how a person reflects on our conversation and how they integrate their new understanding into their lives. That takes time.  So multiple sessions in one week or long intense sessions, while cathartic, are not often useful long term.  I tell clients that is it okay to hibernate for a while, throw pity parties and slow down.  There is no problem if you want to cry, avoid and distract yourself from your issues.  As long as you come back to the issue calmer, with a different perspective and stronger.  The critical part is coming back to the issue until it is either resolved, accepted or no longer relevant.  Life is a race of strength and endurance not speed.

After a rest day (that I actually rested) in my training program this week I ran further and faster than I have in the weeks before.  My body needed the break.  Eureka!!!

So today is my rest day.  I am a bit twitchy but I am going to rest anyway.  (Now what other project can I start working on….)

It has taken me months to finally come to the conclusion that I have a problem.  And one that could turn into a pretty big issue if my family doesn’t address it.  You would think a therapist would be pretty able to face a problem head on and address it.  At least that is the pressure I put on myself anyway.

My problem is about 60 lbs, furry and leaves pools of drool on our hardwood floor.  She is an anxious dog.  And big anxious dogs can be trouble.  When she was little I took her to an off leash park and she ran full speed back to the car as soon as I unhooked her tether.

We have done what we can to socialize her.  She goes to a local kennel about once a week to play with other dogs.  She has gotten better with most dogs.  She still doesn’t like all of them.  She is a big chicken despite the fact that she could eat most other dogs for lunch if she wanted.   We took her to training.  She sits very well, can roll over and likes to flip treat off her nose into her mouth.  She loves our kids and anyone else she considers her people.  For the most part she is outgrowing her puppy years.  She doesn’t chew walls anymore.  The occasional shoe still gets sacrificed.

But when she gets excited, overstimulated or runs into a random male that she doesn’t know or approve of, she lunges, tries to nip and it can be a bit scary if you are on the other end of it.  I keep thinking if I love Bailey enough or if she just gets a bit older she will grow out of it.  I want to be patient and see.  It is easier to ignore the problem than do something about it.  I am ashamed that I don’t have one clue how to help her through this.  I can only imagine how this would feel if it were my child struggling.

A few days ago I was re-reading some of my old blog posts and this one on anxiety jumped out at me.  I am getting anxious about my dog’s anxiety and it is taking over.  Further proof of the contagion of anxiety.  The other weekend we were at our cabin and I couldn’t take her off the leash on a 100 acre parcel of land for fear she would bite other family members that she didn’t know so well.  (She lunged and nipped at one earlier in the day to my huge embarrassment).   I spent the day strapped to her or walking in fields alone with her to avoid the others.  This is not at all what I want to do on summer holidays.  I want her to be able to run free at the cabin and enjoy herself.

Well I guess it is time to take my own advice and do something to take control.  I admit it.  I have a problem.  Today I made some phone calls to some trainers.  It will take time and patience but asking for help is the first step.

 

Maybe it is because I have been wrapping up therapy for some families and some clients lately.  Maybe it is because my son recently finished his last day of preschool.  Perhaps it is just where I am at in life, the dreaded middle age.  Lately I have been contemplating goodbyes.

It has always been my belief that the middles of things are where there is the greatest value.  You can see the truth of this in a jelly filled donut, a gooey slice of pizza and, in my personal favourite, a buttery piece of garlic bread.

It is true in life as well. It is not how someone died that matters,  it is how they lived.  It is not how a relationship ended but how it made you feel, what you learned from it about yourself and about others.  That is the real meat of a relationship.  It is not how you felt when you first met them but how you learned to be together during the regular stuff.

It has dawned on me recently that perhaps endings are more important than I originally thought.  Maybe this is because as I get older I want to hold on to hope that I am not just living the best years of my life but that things will continue to get better.

A friend of mine many years ago told me about watching her husband die of cancer.  She told me that she was thankful that he embraced death rather than fighting it.  She told me that it was a real gift for her that she knew he was okay with how the story of his life would end.  Of course it wasn’t pretty nor was it easy on either of them but he made as graceful an exit as he could.

While I am wrapping up sessions with clients, I often find myself wanting to hang on.  I like being a part of people’s lives.  I build intense emotional relationships with people.  I am changed by them as I hope they are by me in some small way as well.  Part of these relationships is the process of letting go.  It is often the most important part.  Helping people experience a good goodbye rather than a traumatic one.  Ultimately all of our relationships will end in a goodbye.

I went on a family vacation with my parents and siblings recently.  It was amazing to watch my parent’s joy in simply seeing their children and grandchildren all in the same room at the same time.  My mother welled up with tears watching the grandkids simply have their picture taken together.  My Dad spoke of the kids as  being his “legacy.”  It is then that I realized that while I hope I still have decades with my parents that they are already preparing us and themselves for the inevitable endings that will eventually come.  While this may seem painfully sad it also is truly amazing.

A goodbye at its best leaves everyone feeling a sense of loss, pain and sadness, but also a sense of hope and strength.   Ideally it is a process that includes reflection, acceptance and, if we are lucky, one that can be done with grace.  Whether it be a relationship, a loved one, a move or a preschool graduation, a good goodbye leaves everyone knowing that they are a little better off from having the experience.

So I have decided to change my thinking.  I still like to enjoy the middle of things.  The jelly in the middle of the donut is pretty good.  But like any good baker, my favorite part of cooking is licking the bowl while cleaning up and reflecting on a job well done.

As we celebrate Volunteer Week, we look at volunteers and all their accomplishments for the community.  There is no doubt that as a society we need to be grateful for those that step up and pitch in, whether that be as a formal volunteer or a community helper that simply steps forward when someone is in need.

Today I want to look at volunteerism from a completely selfish point of view.  I volunteer for many reasons and many of them are completely self-centred.  I don’t believe that it diminishes the gift one bit.  It only makes it a win-win situation.

Direction

My first volunteer position was as a Big Sister when I was 18 years old.  I had no clear idea of what I wanted to do with my life and I thought that getting involved would help me figure it out.  I spent 2-4 hours a week with my little sister.  She was 6 at the time and living in a foster home with her foster Grandma and 2 younger sisters.  I stayed involved with my Little for a long time.  I was 21 when she and her sisters moved into her permanent home out of town.  During that time there was laughter, ice cream, bike rides and a few tears.   I learned how lucky I have been in my life, how good a little hug can make you feel and that indeed I wanted to be in a helping profession.  She gave to me, much more than I ever gave to her.  She gave me direction.

Connection

While I was in University I explored some other options.  I found a place called Student Help.  It was a peer support team at the University of Alberta (now called the Peer Support Centre).  I learned skills in crisis intervention, helping skills and most profoundly about people (not to mention that a good beer tastes better when shared by the pitcher).  I loved the work but I also found people just like me, other people driven to help.  Eventually I was given a job at Student Help, got paid to be there and it is where I met my husband.

As time went on I volunteered at the Distress Line in Edmonton.  It is an amazing place where I met all my best friends.  It was a magical time of both professional and personal growth.  I continue to volunteer as a way to connect to people.  Most recently I did some work with my Dad at the St. Albert Food Bank and Community Village.  It was a wonderful way to spend time with him and do something more meaningful than a night of TV or going to a movie. Volunteering has given me connections.

Values 

Recently my daughter’s Grade 2 class was discussing volunteerism in their Health class.  My daughter came home so excited.  She got to be a special expert for the class. She got to tell the class about her various volunteer roles, how she helps the community and how that makes her feel.  She volunteers for our Community League with her Dad and for the Edmonton Humane Society with me.  We were very proud parents and more importantly she was very proud of herself.  Volunteering has helped me be a better parent and helped me teach my children our values.

Perspective

Sometimes we have to get out of our own head in order to gain perspective.  Volunteering can help you see your life in a different way and help bring meaning to the mundane.  In short it is good for your mental health. In my practice I often recommend that people volunteer if they are bored, depressed or struggling with their life. Seeing how others live, contributing to a greater good and challenging yourself to think bigger is a good thing.  Volunteering has given me this perspective.  

Meaning

I define myself as a Volunteer.  It is engrained in who I am.  So when my husband’s aunt, Gloria, was dying of cancer I felt powerless to do anything useful.  The answer for me was to get back into my comfort zone to volunteer.  It was a small gesture but I wanted to do something, so I donated my long hair to make wigs for cancer patients as a way to feel even a small sense of control.  It helped, even though Gloria thought I was crazy.  She preferred artificial hair in her wigs.  Also I think she couldn’t imagine why someone would give up their hair on purpose.  But it did help me and that counts.  Many people try to make meaning of their lives through volunteering their time and energy to a cause close to their heart.  Volunteering can help find that meaning.

There are many reasons to volunteer: some are selfless acts, others are more personal.  Regardless of why you volunteer, your community, your family and I am grateful to you for making this world a better place.  Happy Volunteer Week.

If you haven’t tried volunteering, give it a shot.  It is well worth the sacrifice.

 

There is a curious thing about me.  One that my loved ones find “quirky.”  I am in love with a frog.  As I grow older my love for this frog only gets more intense and less rational.  Of course this is not romantic, he is after all in love with a pig.  Well, maybe not in love, but in a relationship that can only be described as complicated.   I see him more as a mentor.

Perhaps it is juvenile to be inspired by a frog but I find Kermit is one of my favorite philosophers and humanitarians.  Jim Henson created a character that is wise, silly, kind and fiercely loyal.

Why Kermit?  I remember as a child watching the Muppet Show and Seasame Street.  Something about him and his gang of misfits has always drawn me in.  He represents many of the qualities that I value in people and relationships.

Life is Complicated

The beauty of the Muppets is in their simplicity.  They are who they are and they are happy that way.  Like most children’s programs there are villains and heroes, there are challenges to overcome and there are happy endings.  But for the Muppets that is often not the point.  The story is a journey: a contrived story line, a show within a show.  The plot is usually an after thought.

The bad guys often get the same respect as the good guys.  The bad guys are usually not bad but just misunderstood.  The good guys get made fun of as much as the bad guys.  No one is safe from a bad joke, an unfortunate piano accident or sarcastic ridicule.  That doesn’t matter.  What matters is the relationships, the team work and getting on with the show.  That is how I feel about life.

Acceptance, Loyalty and Leadership

Chickens, strange alien creatures, and an odd assortment of monsters follow Kermit’s lead.  He accepts his friends for all their faults and manages to bring out the best in each of them,  whether it be a mildly funny bear or accident prone scientists or a couple of crotchety old men.  He is the one constant that brings them together even when he doesn’t always have it together himself.

Jim Henson once said:

Kermit’s function on this show is very much like my own in that he’s trying to hold together this group of crazies.  And that’s not unlike what I do.

All around Kermit is total mayhem (even Electric Mayhem). He is able to be the glue that keeps his gang of misfits together.  As a parent I can relate.   I strive to be all of these things for my friends and family.  But like Kermit sometimes I just have to wave my hands in the air, scream wildly and just join in.

Genuine

Here’s some simple advice: Always be yourself. Never take yourself too seriously.  And beware of advice from experts, pigs and members of parliament.  -Kermit

I was once asked what is the quality I find the most central to who I am.  The answer is being genuine.  I find it difficult not to be exactly who I am.  I value this in myself and others above all else.  But despite this I often screw it up.

We all wear masks, or act like puppets at times.  Most of the time this doesn’t feel good.  It makes us feel like we are something we are not.  It makes us distrust our relationships with others and ourselves.  Kermit is literally a puppet and yet  he is always unaware that he is not real.  But in many ways that makes him more like the rest of us.  He has outlived his creator and lives on anyway.

Wisdom

I’ve got a dream too, but it’s about singing and dancing and making people happy.  That’s the kind of dream that gets better the more people you share it with.  And well, I’ve found a whole bunch of friends who have the same dream.  And it kind of makes us like a family.  -Kermit

My draw to Kermit reminds me of being young, having dreams and fighting for those dreams.  He reminds me of my family, both the genetic ones and the chosen ones. There doesn’t always have to be a reason to do what I do but I should always have a dream.

Like me, Kermit reflects inwardly in his quiet moments.  He often reflects upon his greenness and how difficult life can be.  Mostly he thinks about the wonders of the world, most famously he wonders about rainbows.  These are the reasons why I love that frog.

I leave you with a slightly different spin on one of Kermit’s most famous quotes because with Statler and Waldorf around Kermit doesn’t often get the last word.

Life’s like a movie, write your own ending.  Keep believing, keep pretending.  We’ve done just what we set out to do.  Thanks to the lovers the dreamers and you.  -Kermit and the Muppets

 

 

Every few years my husband and I sit down and make a Bucket List.  For those of you who don’t know, a Bucket List is a list of things that you want to do before you kick the bucket.  Usually we open a bottle of wine, sit together on the couch and start dreaming. While doing some spring cleaning today, I stumbled upon a list from a few years ago.

It is interesting to take a look back at what were our priorities just a short time ago.  Apparently seeing “Wicked”  made the cut.   We did see it.  It was a great show but for the life of me I can’t figure out why it was so important that it made the list.

Many of the things that we put on the list have already been accomplished.  For example, meeting my youngest nephew, finishing my Master’s degree, Tim running for office and adding a dog to our family.  These things I can understand as priorities and I am pleased that we have been able to cross them off our list.

There are many places on the list that we want to go.  None of them have been crossed off the list these past few years.  It seems that the activities of daily life have pushed them to the bottom of the priorities.  One day I still hope to go on these adventures but right now a weekend away with my husband or a family trip to the beach seem so much more important.  I’m going to add those to the next list.

Some of the most impactful moments in the last few years of my life were never on the list to begin with.  These adventures were happy surprises.  Marrying one of my best friends to the love of her life on a beach in Mexico,  getting a midnight call when their baby was on the way, teaching young Social Workers the skills they will need to do good in the world,  opening a private practice, watching my son and daughter grow.  These are all things that didn’t make the list.  Yet they make up some of the happiest moments in my life.

One day this list will be painful because there will be losses along the way.  We will eventually run out of time.  The best things in life are also the ones that leave us the most vulnerable.  For now our Bucket List is a reminder of who we were a few years back. It is a reminder of where we wanted to go with our lives and how we have changed.  It reminds me to be open to the unexpected adventures.  Most importantly it reminds me of the fact that eventually my time on earth will be over and to embrace the time I have.

Now if you will excuse me I need to look at the price of plane flights to Atlanta so I can go see the Muppet museum.  One day I am going to see that frog.

 

Spring is in the air.  On warm days, I mean that literally.  Spring brings mother nature out in all her glory.  Sadly before the blooms come out of the mucky melt we have to face the smell of half frozen dog poop.

I was walking my dog recently and found myself getting increasingly annoyed as I walked down the beautiful walking trails around my house.  There was dog poop everywhere.  I found myself in a very negative place.  “Why don’t people pick this crap up?”  “How can people be so inconsiderate?”  “No wonder people think dog owners are awful and dogs are filthy.”  The more times I would go for a walk the more angry I would become.

Anger is one of those feelings that is pretty complicated.  It is always rooted in something deeper than the surface.  It is what many call a secondary emotion.  It cannot live on its own.  It has a deep root system that supports its poisonous flowers.  For me, my anger often comes with a sense of injustice and powerlessness, for others it is fear, hurt, pain, loneliness, or trauma.

Every year in our local paper there are Letters to the Editor that start to show up with others also complaining about the dog poop issue.  I often read these letters and think that they are fruitless.  The people that aren’t cleaning up after their dogs are likely not about to engage in a debate about it or may not even read the paper.  Nevertheless at least they are doing something.

I had an “ah ha”  moment on one of my walks.  I am not powerless in my anger.  I could do something about this.  Instead of walking around seething, I took out one of my plastic bags and picked the poop up.  I decided that I would pick up one pile of dog poop that wasn’t my dogs on each daily walk.  That way I could change all the negativity I felt into something more productive.   Even if it is a small change at least it would make a difference.   I picked up over 20 piles of poop that walk and believe it or not I felt great.

I know many people would argue that they shouldn’t have to compensate for another person’s arrogance or that it isn’t their responsibility to clean up poop.  I agree it isn’t.  It shouldn’t have to be this way but I would rather be part of the solution than allow my anger to ruin my daily walk with my dog.  It isn’t about being a “a tree hugger” or a “do-gooder”. It is about taking pride in my community, in being concerned about the health of my neighbors and, most importantly, about taking control of my life and my emotions.  Will my effort make any difference?  I don’t know if it will on the larger stage but I know it does to me.  That is reason enough.

I often remind my clients that emotions are important.  We should allow ourselves to embrace them intensely.  Eventually they will change.   Anger often turns to action.  We can choose if it is positive action or a damaging or hurtful kind of action.   Today I chose positive action.  I will do so on every walk I take this spring.  I chose not to be a victim but a positive force, even in this small way.

I hope that others will be inspired by my “Poop Project”  to find a way to clean the crap out of their own lives too.

Some days just suck.  For many people Valentine’s Day is one of those days.  It can be a stark reminder of things that we have lost.  Relationships, family, marriages and so many other things.  For some it is a reminder of what they see as their own failures. “I’m not married yet.” “I wanted to have children by now.”  It also can lead to great disappointment. “Why hasn’t he proposed yet?” “This isn’t the person I want to be with.”

Valentine’s can make us feel unlovable, insecure and lonely.  As with any holiday it can cause us to look around and compare our lives to those around us.  In these superficial comparisons we often come up short.

For those having a good Valentine’s Day.  Cherish it.  Stay in the moment and enjoy every second.  Remember that this day can be a hard time for others.  Try not to judge them, just show compassion to those who are struggling.

For those in the Broken Hearts Club this Valentine’s day. Here are a few tips.

1. Try not to compare your life with others.  You have no idea what their life is like behind the closed doors.  You don’t know about their insecurities, their fears or the quality of their relationships.
2. It is OK to be grumpy, sad, angry and hurt.  Fighting your emotions gives them more power. Let them flow through you.  Eventually they will pass. 
3. Take care of yourself.  Eat well, drink lots of water and try to get some sleep.
4. Acknowledge that you are grieving.  It may be a death of someone close, an idea of how you want your life to be, or the loss of a relationship.  Grief is a normal reaction to any of these things.
5. Celebrate what you do have. Genuine gratitude has an amazing way of changing your perspective.
6. Valentine’s Day is about love.  Start with yourself.    

These may or may not be helpful to you.  Trust yourself and what you need.  You are the expert on you.  Hopefully Valentine’s will be better next year.