Not all parents and students look forward to the school year ahead. As the school year approaches, my phone has been ringing more frequently with panicking parents. Many of the parents I talk to just need a pep talk and a bit of guidance. Here are some tips that I often share with these families.
1. Freaking out leads to more freaking out. This is especially true with anxiety. Forcing your kid into situations that freak them out usually just makes the anxiety worse. The problem is avoiding anxiety only amplifies it. So if your teen is worried about the upcoming school term try to ease them in slowly. Start incorporating routines that will be typical of school time such as curfews, bedtimes and study times slowly so they can get used to gradual change. The key is to expose them to the things that cause them anxiety in small manageable bits so they stay calm, experience success and work with their anxiety rather than let it take over.
2. Stay calm. Getting angry, yelling or punishing your anxious teen will only lead to more anger, yelling and punishing. The same is true if you’re an anxious parent. You worrying only leads to your child worrying. It doesn’t actually change anything. If you obsess about how your teen is doing in school academically or socially this will only lead to them worrying about how they are going to do in school. Anxiety is contagious. Get your own anxiety and/or anger in check first before dealing with your adolescent’s emotions.
3. You can not rationalize with an irrational person. I can recall vividly talking quietly and calmly to my daughter about not screaming in the car while I was driving. I was in the car, and she had lost her head. I told her how it was dangerous and how she needed to keep her voice down even though she dropped her favorite stuffy on the ground. I was totally rational and in control. She was not. Not surprisingly she wasn’t on board with my thought process. She didn’t say to me “Mommy, that makes sense, I will calm down and wait for you to come to a full and complete stop.” I thought I was being a good parent. I was calm. What I was missing is that you can not rationalize with someone being irrational.
This is true for toddlers, teenagers, and spouses. If your teen is upset about something that makes no sense to you, try talking about feelings rather than facts. We often try to make sense of the facts. Facts really don’t matter. It is what your teen believes and feels that are causing their concerns. They may or may not be rational but they are real. You can only have a rational conversation when everyone is calm and willing to listen. So comfort now, talk later.
4. Anxiety is not the enemy. Anxiety often comes from things that are important in our life. All the best things of life are often also the scariest. Think of weddings, graduations and births. These are all very anxiety ridden events but they are also often the highlights of our lives. Teach your child how anxiety is kind of like an exclamation point. It emphasizes to us what is important in our lives. Anxiety is a physical reaction to what is happening in the world. It helps you avoid danger and prepares you to survive. It is something generally that should be embraced rather than feared.
5. Celebrate success. Even small steps forward need positive feedback. Sometimes just showing up is a victory. So if your teen went through some social issues at school last year encourage them just to keep moving forward even if it is slowly. Focusing on failure or anxiety often amplifies its intensity. It is better to acknowledge hard feelings and then encourage positive movement towards small goals. Don’t forget to celebrate.
6. When in doubt, ask. Some people do suffer from debilitating anxiety. For them, anxiety is more difficult to control. I believe that most teens can be taught skills to manage their anxiety. There are some, however, that live in a constantly anxiety aroused state. This is not healthy for their physical or mental health. For these people it is a biological issue that may require extra help through a therapist or a Family Physician. If you aren’t sure, an assessment by a professional will not hurt.
7. Talk less, listen more. We all have had that experience of asking our kids about their day around the dinner table only to get a blank stare back. I find teens talk more the more time you spend with them. The best conversations usually happen in the car when you are driving them somewhere or when you are watching a show, shopping or playing video games. Try “hanging out” with your kids just doing stuff and you will be surprised what they tell you when you are listening.
8. Connect, connect, connect. The reality is that once our children are too big to be carried to their room against their will, we have little direct control of them. We can make all the rules and consequences that we can think up but our kids eventually learn that they don’t have to listen to what we have to say. They have us by the emotional neck. Our only recourse comes down to whether or not we are willing to throw them out and whether we choose to financially support them. Depending on their age even this may not be a choice. Some teens realize that we parents have no real power earlier than others.
The only influence we really have in our adolescents’ lives come through our relationship with them. If we have a good relationship with them, then we can use that relationship to influence them through our words, expectations and our values. If our relationship is strained then they may not feel the need to follow our rules and therefore discount our efforts to keep them safe. All relationships cycle through phases of closeness and some distance. Our job as parents is to hang in there and do everything we can to make sure our kids know they are loved. It is better to choose parenting approaches that are firm yet always caring than approaches that may undermine your relationship with your teen.
When in doubt you only need to remember one thing: relationship is everything.