“Don’t let people rent space in your brain!”
This is likely the single best piece of advice I have ever been given. I wish I could remember who said it to me.
It could have been my father. He used to share with me all sorts of expressions his father would bestow on him like “when I was knee high to a grasshopper” or “flatter than pee on a plate.” I have never understood when the appropriate time would be to refer to pee on a plate and its flatness.
It may have been one of my clients. I often get nuggets of brilliance from them. Someone told me once that grief is like “the puzzle of who you are gets smashed on the ground. All the work it took to build your life falls apart and you spend the rest of it putting it all back to together in new ways.” That’s pretty insightful if you ask me.
The saying could have been from a colleague or friend. I wish I could remember because people rent space in my brain fairly regularly. When I get pissed off I let them take up residence in my head. I think and rethink whatever it is that is getting on my nerves.
Anger is a tricky thing. It is not an emotion that stands alone. There is always something behind it. It can be fear, sadness, loneliness, and most often hurt. Most of the time when people are angry they don’t know why. Others can often see the reality more clearly.
Anger is often a reason why people show up for therapy whether it be couples therapy or individual. It has a devastating impact on lives and relationships. Spouses are mad at their partners and think it is my job to fix their partners so they stop pissing them off. Therapy never works that way.
Some people are mad at their parents, neighbors, friends, children and sometimes the world in general. Regardless, they want someone to fix everyone else.
Anger is never the core of the issue. It is always the mask that covers up and protects people from the real issue. When this gets out of control it is easy to spot. We have all seen it. A person unwilling to listen, a friend unwilling to hear another point of view and worst of all a chronic victim.
So why do I let people rent space in my brain? I guess for the same reasons the rest of us do. Fear, sadness, loneliness, and hurt. So today I am evicting the unwelcome angry residents in my head so that I can make space for the people, places and things that will help me see the real issues or at least be worth the mental space in my head.