Grief is a natural and necessary reaction to change in our lives. It can happen after the loss of a loved one, after a dramatic life event, illness, career changes and innumerable other life events. It is an emotional reaction that symbolizes our response to the loss of things and people that are important to us. It is a powerful reminder of our character, our values and how we choose to live our lives. I believe that the pain of grief is as essential to living a good life as the elation of joy and love. Love and loss are intimately connected.
Our society is one that continually tries to avoid pain, from the epidurals used to provide comfort to our mothers as we come into the world, to the comfort care we provide dying patients and everything in between. We drink, do drugs, watch TV, gamble, play video games, eat, and check our Facebook statuses as a way to numb ourselves from what is actually happening in our lives. We obsess over the lives of celebrities, fictional characters and gossip about our neighbours all as a way of not looking at ourselves. We are a society of avoiders.
Don’t get me wrong, all of these things have a place. Medication can alleviate suffering. A good TV show can help deal with the stress of a bad day. Facebook can be a wonderful way to keep up with friends. My concern however is the way in which we try to sterilize our lives from discomfort.
This morning I was reading some articles on the new DSM 5 (See them here on Psychology Today and The Huffington Post). The DSM 5 is a manual that Psychiatrists and other mental health professionals use to diagnose people with mental illness. The manual is supposed to give professionals a way to talk about and treat people that are suffering because of how their mind functions. It is used as a way to categorize who qualifies for funding and treatments and who does not. It can be a useful tool but can be used as a weapon for stigma and shame.
Previously the DSM differentiated between grief and major depression. The DSM 4 recognized the diagnostic criteria for major depression was similar to the symptoms of those grieving but the manual purposely excluded grievers from the diagnosis of Major Depression. This was a recognition that while grief can cause serious emotional and physical disturbances in a persons life, it is not a mental illness. The new version of the DSM removes this distinction thereby making grief pathological. The new DSM will also create a new diagnosis called Complicated Grief. While I agree that some grievers need extra attention and support through their journey, I’m not convinced that diagnosing them with a mental illness is the answer.
In my experience too many grievers are already on anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety medication. While these medications can provide short term relief from suffering, grief is not something that can be permanently medicated out of our lives. Medication often only postpones and lengthens what will come eventually. This might be helpful to some in extreme situations but for most grievers it is not necessary or helpful.
Grief is a part of life. Just like death it lurks in a background reminding us that we are vulnerable and our lives are precious. I believe that acceptance, understanding and compassion for ourselves and those around us is the way to explore, embrace and learn from grief. By leaning into the pain we learn about ourselves, each other and about the meaning of our lives.