So I suffer from a classic problem, I am a pleaser and a fixer. I have a superhero cape that I keep folded up in my emotional closet. I put on that cape far too often and try to save the day. Usually this comes at great cost to myself. Because you see, most people don’t want to be saved. The ones that like to be saved are like kryptonite.
The trouble with this way of being in the world is that it is easy for me to get lost in the ever growing list of priorities. The needs of my children, spouse, extended family, my students and my clients often come before mine. I will fight off other people’s villains without thinking about whether it is what they want or what they need me to be doing. Often I solve people’s problems that they didn’t know they had. If it goes unchecked, I get tired, emotionally spent and then I get angry and resentful.
I have learned this lesson over and over again. I have done my own emotional work to try to resolve it. But if I am stressed, overworked or not taking care of myself, I fall back into the pattern.
You see the issue is mine. No one intends to take advantage. No one is out to treat me badly. The people in my life are just trusting that I am doing what I do best. Either that or they are just busy with their own lives and own issues. The issue is my boundaries. Sometimes I have to say “No”.
It is not something that comes naturally. I don’t like to feel like I can’t do something. I don’t like to ask for help. Worst of all I don’t like to feel let down. If I do things myself then I don’t have to worry about being disappointed.
I don’t like to say “no” but it is necessary. Lately “no” has been the greatest gift I have given myself. It makes me a better person. The reality is that there is no compassion without boundaries. I recently watched one of my favorite Social Workers, Brene Brown, discuss this topic. Watch the video. She speaks about how you can’t be a truly compassionate person unless you are able to create and reinforce strong boundaries. If your boundaries aren’t strong then inevitably you will become bitter and resentful about what people are taking from you rather than being grateful for what you can give.
Here are a few tips on creating boundaries that have worked for me.
1. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. Our instincts are pretty good about these things. If you are agreeing to do something and immediately you feel stressed, or have a physical reaction to the choice perhaps you should rethink if it is worth it.
2. Ask for help. There are always things that we can’t control and have to do. There are things we can’t say “no” to. In these situations, ask for help. Rely on the people that will support you, and help make things easier for you, not people that will make it more complicated. The ones that care for you will make you feel like a priority, not an inconvenience. You just need to have the courage to ask.
3. Don’t feel the need to justify yourself. Saying “no” doesn’t need to have conditions. It is about prioritizing yourself first. The reality is it is okay to say “No” just because you’ve reached the end of what you are willing to give. Remember that every time you say no to something, you are saying yes to something else. Some people might not like your choice. Some people will push for more. You are not accountable to them. You are accountable to yourself.
4. Let people off the hook. People are not out to get you. They are not likely trying to make things harder on you. Likely they are just living their own life. It is okay for them to have boundaries too. In fact your relationship will be better and more honest if you both have good boundaries.
Here is a small warning: if your boundaries have been a bit flimsy, it will take the people around you a little while to adjust. Be prepared for a bit of push back. That doesn’t mean give in. Just try to be patient and forgiving. The people that matter will help you negotiate any impasses. Good boundaries will help you feel compassion and connected to all of the people in your life.
5. It is also okay to say “Yes.” Having good boundaries isn’t about saying “no” to everything. It is just about reflecting on how it will impact you before you make the choice to say “yes.” It is about making sure “yes” is not your default. If your boundaries are protecting you, then you may find yourself more open to saying “yes.” It will feel good and you will do it freely.
I wish I could say that I have retired my superhero cape. I’m sure it will still come out now and again. For now, I am enjoying the space “no” has created in my life. I am enjoying the compassion and I once again feel connected.