I admit it. I am fed up. The news has been littered lately with headlines that highlight how our society collectively treats women. The most recent attack that made the news was of a brutal sexual assault in Winnipeg. A 16-year-old girl was left for dead.
Teen girls being victims of sexual violence is not new to me. I have helped clients for years with this kind of trauma. The stories are always painfully similar. First the perpetrator finds a girl that is in a vulnerable situation. She may be drinking, at a party or just walking down the street. The perpetrator either slowly over the course of years, months, or seconds systematically dismantles any power or control the victim has to avoid what is probably inevitable. Then the violence happens.
The worst part of the story is not the sexual assault. That, after all, often only happens for a few seconds or minutes. The real violence is what happens before and after. Every survivor I have ever spoke to tells me about a particular moment in their assault. It is the moment that they feel they lost control. They feel like they made the wrong move, the wrong decision. Often it is the one thing they would fixate on for years after.
For some the moment is when they didn’t say no, when they let it happen, when they gave in. This can be when they stopped fighting or for some when they actively participated so that it would get over with faster. It is that moment that makes them question themselves forever.
The reality is that in that moment they likely did the smartest thing they could do. It may have saved them from further damage and in some cases saved their life. But it is that moment that they often felt the weakest. Their perpetrator arranged it that way. It is that moment that often confuses them into desperately wanting to believe the perpetrator somehow misunderstood what he was doing, that he didn’t mean it. Some women even continue to date, live with or communicate with their attacker. The worst part of a sexual assault is how it makes you second guess yourself.
The second worst part of the sexual assault is how others second guess you. I have had many parents talk to me about how their child shouldn’t have drank, dated that guy, worn that sexy shirt, walked home alone… fill in the blank. I know that these parents are trying to protect their child but what they are inadvertently doing is reinforcing that it was the girl’s fault. Most of the time the survivor was only doing what many of us have done countless times without being assaulted.
The most important thing you can do for some one that has been assaulted is to believe them. Often they struggle to believe it happened. Trauma Training 101: Believe the victim.
Part of the reason I am so enraged lately is that I recently failed my trauma training. A certain charismatic radio personality had me totally duped. When he pointed the finger at a jilted ex-lover my instincts told me that he was telling the truth. As more information came out I became angry at myself. I know better, I should have done better.
My anger has only grown. The accusations of sexual harassment at the House of Commons, a recent report on street harassment, and then the recent reports of sexual assaults across the country have only fueled the fire. We are all to blame. We have not done a good job of protecting our women. As a society we have come a long way but not nearly far enough.
I know that men experience violence as well. I know that this isn’t only a women’s issue. But right now I am mad about violence against women. As a woman I experience first hand the underlying societal violence women experience. I am particularly mad that my daughter will also experience this insidious truth. Society tells us that we are not good enough, not smart enough, or not sexy enough. It also tells us that we are too good, too smart and too sexy. There is no win.
There is hope. I hear daily conversations, debates and news items starting to challenge what is happening in our society. I haven’t heard the sensitivity, communal rage and desire to change before. I am particularly hopeful for the future when I hear stories of men stepping forward to take on the cause of violence against women through the White Ribbon Campaign and He for She.
November is Family Violence Prevention Month. Violence against women is a family issue. It is our mother’s, sister’s, aunt’s and cousin’s issue and therefore it is all of ours. We all need to feel some outrage.
If you need help there are organizations like Stop Abuse in Families, The Crisis Support Centre and the Edmonton Sexual Assault Centre that are here to help.