Author: Krista Osborne

My palms were sweating, my heart racing, and my breathing hard. I thought to myself, “Just press the button.”

For the last 4 years I have been working on becoming a Clinical Social Worker.  I have spent a lot of time listening, helping, counselling, getting feedback and supervision on the work I do. I have spent a ton of money on supervision and it was worth every penny. I have laughed and cried with my Clinical Supervisor. She has challenged me and I have gained confidence in my skills.

I have filled out piles of paperwork and had to jump through what feels like a million hoops. Strangely it was the paperwork that almost did me in. I almost gave up over a form I didn’t sign when I submitted to the Clinical Social Work committee. As a result they didn’t review my file in the final stages of the process and things got delayed. It was my Clinical Supervisor that told me I was being silly.

So last week I found myself at the final hurdle. In order to be approved as a Clinical Social Worker, the Alberta College of Social Workers requires candidates to write an exam. The exam tests clinical skills such as how to diagnose and treat a variety of mental health issues.  It focuses on theory and practice.  It is a standardized exam so I had to drive in to Edmonton to a testing centre. At the centre they scanned my palms, took my ID and sent me into the room. There were several others there writing their own exams, mostly psychologists writing their exam in order to be registered.

The room was absolutely silent, still we were issued earplugs. I went to the bathroom before the exam. I was worried I would have to go in the exam which would mean I’d require an escort. Nothing is worse than someone listening to you pee. This exam is entirely intimidating.

Once I started the exam I felt good. I had prepared myself for this. It was going to be okay. I know this stuff. I was actually pleased with my composure, other than a case of the wiggles. You see, sitting still and staying focused for 3 hours is not something in which I excel. But it was going well.

Then I got to the last question. In this exam you get your results immediately. Truth be told, I was a bit cocky going into the exam. I didn’t study as much as I would have liked. I just couldn’t bring myself to buckle down. I kept telling myself that I don’t need to have my “Clinical” designation to do the work I do. I told myself I could try again if I needed. Basically I convinced myself that if I failed that it didn’t matter to me.

Sitting at the computer staring at that “Submit” button I realized that I was wrong. It did matter. It mattered deeply. I have always struggled with feeling a bit like I am faking it through life, that I really don’t know what I am doing and that I am a total fraud. Sitting at that computer all that stuff came back. What if I failed? What if that proved my biggest fears, that I don’t know what I am doing?

In our society we often have been hearing more and more about overcoming anxiety. I work with many anxious teenagers and just as many anxious parents. There are blogs, strategies and whole therapeutic interventions on “winning the battle” over anxiety. Anxiety can be overwhelming but it is not the enemy. Sitting in that exam room, it was clear. My anxiety was just highlighting what was important to me. It was proof that this moment mattered.

Finally I hit the button.  Good news. I do know what I am doing…. well, most of the time.

I love sand sculptures. I love making them. I love spending hours sculpting them. I love how the wet sand moulds and changes as you shape it. I love how if you make a mistake you can just erase it by adding a bit of water. I love making them on the beach surrounded by the vastness of the sky and the overwhelming power of the ocean. Most of all I love that all the hard work is washed away by the tide. Ultimately the beach remains unchanged.

My family was lucky enough to head out on a tropical vacation recently. I was lucky enough to spend hours sculpting sand on a beach. Sometime my children helped. Sometimes they were drawn to playing in the waves. While I was creating my “masterpieces” I spent a lot of time processing the past few months.

Lately, my life has been a bit chaotic. Some of the change has been for the better. There was a change of jobs for both myself and my husband. We invited my husband’s father to come and live with us. Our children are growing and overall we are very happy. But life is not always sunshine and unicorns. Recently we learned again how fragile a sense of peace can be and how little control we really have in our lives.

Despite our best efforts to manage the chaos, the world decided to throw us some curve balls. We experienced the generational transition from child to caregiver. This happened in many areas of our lives. It seemed for a while that all of our friends and family were struggling with health, both emotional and physical. All that helping takes its toll. As a therapist and a Social Worker I have walked with people through chaos. At least theoretically I understand the toll. What I didn’t expect is how hard it is to watch your loved ones struggle when you feel powerless to help.

I often have pretty existential conversations with my clients.  They struggle with the big questions: What is the point? What is the point of living?  What is the point of trying? What is the point of working so hard? Everyone answers these questions differently. Religion and faith can play a role. Sometimes it is our family that help us find our way. Working towards a goal often helps to define a person and their lives. Still many of my clients come to the conclusion that there is no point. Some find this disturbing. Some find it oddly comforting.

I believe that as human beings we are genetically engineered to find meaning in our lives. I work hard to help people find meaning. That is usually the key to mental health – finding purpose. So it can feel like a failure if I can’t help a client see the point in life.

But on the beach, none of that seems to matter. There is a vastness of space. I am small and seemingly inconsequential to the power of the world around me.  Yet the experience makes me feel connected to the ebb and flow of it all. My life and my worries are small. They are important to me but to the universe they are just part of a larger whole.

What is the point of creating a sand sculpture? None really, but there is great beauty in that. It frees me to make mistakes, let go of the outcome and just enjoy the process.  We spend so much time trying to hang on to life, to get things done, to be someone important. Ultimately we do all we can to avoid death.  We try to fight the tide.

The point is to live, to create and to be present to the grandness of it all.  The sand sculptor is only here for a short time but that is the beauty of it.

My daughter came home from school a few days ago with a story that made my jaw drop. The kids on the playground were discussing the recent shooting of two RCMP officers in our small town. My daughter informed me that the shooter drove to a house in a rural area and shot a whole family before he shot himself.

It was a sad game of “telephone.” There were some facts in her story but many exaggerations and misinformation. Mostly an already dramatic and scary story turned into something even more scary and dramatic. The truth is hard enough for a 10-year-old to understand. During times of uncertainty, kids do this. Adults do this too. I can think of many examples from the past week where we have all been guilty. We take rumor that is presented to us as fact and then present it to others in the same way. We inadvertently cause things to be more difficult for all involved even when we mean well.

I have gotten many questions over the last week from parents wanting information on how to help their teens and children with the death of Constable Wynn. I thought I would try to put these down in writing so it can help anyone that may have some concerns.

1. Talk to your kids.  Regardless of the age of your child they will be exposed to this event in one way or another. Even if your child does not know the families directly, the community is mourning in very public ways. Flags are at half-staff, ribbons are popping up everywhere and on Monday we will have an unimaginable influx of officers, dignitaries and commotion will descend on the city.

2. Ask questions and listen.  What is your teen hearing at school? What are your child’s thoughts on what happened? If you are listening you will hear the misinformation and more importantly be able to hear their fears. You will be better able to dispel disinformation and reassure fear if you keep your ears open and your mouth closed.

3. Let them know that they are safe. Kids and teens are just like adults. They need to feel safe. We often like to believe that bad things don’t happen to good people. When faced with the reality of life, we all are often shaken up. While it is important not to lie, it is also important for them to have perspective. Remind them that these are isolated events and that they don’t happen every day and that they are unlikely to happen to them or someone they love. The RCMP are still doing their jobs.

If your kids are part of a family of military, RCMP or other first responders, the fear can hit closer to home.  Reassure your children of the training, equipment and safety measures that are in place to keep their family safe. Acknowledge the risk but focus on the protective factors.

4. Be honest. Teens and children need to know where to go for the truth. If you don’t talk about it, make up or gloss over details, your kids will know it. You don’t need to go into graphic detail, only answer what your child is asking.   

5. Watch your language. Children are very concrete. They don’t understand flowery language like “passed on” or “went to sleep.” It often makes us feel better softening the words but it can confuse and scare children. They need concrete language that they can understand such as “died” and “his body stopped working.” That doesn’t mean you have to leave your religious beliefs out, but be cautious about being too vague.

With teens you can be more philosophical, their ability to handle abstract thinking is more mature. Make sure to explore their understandings and beliefs, not just present your own. Adolescents need to explore all sorts of ideas so that they can figure out who they are in the world. Use the opportunity to understand them better. It will help you both feel closer.

6. It is okay to talk about the offender. Often kids try to make sense of what happened by searching for explanations as to “Why” or “How?” Talking about the offender is part of this questioning. Be open and honest. I have told my children what he did. I have told them that it has caused unimaginable pain to many families, and to our community. I have not called him a “bad guy”. We have to be careful that our kids, regardless of their age, don’t equate their own mistakes with them turning into a monster. In our family we talk about his family and how they may be coping too. This is a tragedy for so many involved.

7. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Some people will be affected more than others. Some kids/teens will need to talk, some kids/teens won’t. Some will want to attend the memorial, some will not.

Give them the opportunity to talk, grieve and do whatever they need to do but don’t force them to do anything. One mistake parents make is to over-analyze, over-protect and over-process the events. Teens and children need to go back to their regular routine as soon as they are ready. If they are wanting to talk about other things, it is time to move on.

8. It takes time. Adolescents, and children grieve over time, just like the rest of us. You may find that this doesn’t affect them now but it may affect them later. These things come and go over time in unpredictable ways. We often give people a ton of support around the time of an incident but then fade out. There is no time frame or end date.

9. Support your kids in being supportive. If your child is a support for the families involved help them to be present to their friends. They don’t have to do anything special, just play, hang out and listen. Often teens avoid situations that are intensely emotional. So your kid may struggle to know what to say or do.

The Wynn family just need to know that people care, and that they can just be themselves. They don’t need to be treated with kid gloves, put on a pedestal, or avoided like they have some infectious disease. They have had a horrible thing happen in their life. They deserve our respect and our thanks but most of all they deserve to have people walk with them in their grief so they don’t have to do this alone.

10. Give yourself a break. Despite the “rules” I have laid out for you, there is no right way to do this. If you approach your child with love and compassion then they will learn from this experience about love and compassion. Trust your gut and your relationship with your child. Let that be the most influential guide.

Last night I went to bed fretting over how much laundry I have been ignoring.  It seemed important at the time. Last night Constable Derek Walter Bond was probably doing similar regular things. He probably talked to his loved ones on the phone. He probably ate dinner. He probably cleaned up his dishes and went to work.

Last night I went to bed worried about about how my son was going to get up at 5:00 am for hockey and thinking about what a wreck he was going to be the rest of the day. It seemed like a big deal. I have had a rough week. Last night Constable David Wynn likely said good bye to his family and went to work not thinking about the sacrifice he makes everyday. He probably wasn’t thinking about the danger his job puts him in. That’s the thing about heroes. They usually don’t even think about it.

This morning I woke up, still worried about the laundry, my son and what the day had in store. That is when I heard the news that Constable David Wynn and Auxiliary Constable Derek Walter Bond were shot in my small community. They were shot so I could worry about the everyday things in my life. They were shot so I didn’t have to worry about being safe. These heroes walk among us everyday.

I can’t stop thinking of their families. How last night they likely weren’t worried about their loved ones when they sent them off to work. I don’t think families can face that potential every day. I imagine they stuff the reality of that danger deep inside them. Their families are also heroes. Today I can’t stop thinking about what the families are enduring because of me and my family’s need for safety.

Again our community is struck by a tragedy of enormous weight. This time in the form of what seems like a senseless act of violence. Some of you will know the families affected. Some of you may have seen it happen. Many of us will be connected to this in some way. Our community suffers when something like this happens. No one is unaffected.

I am feeling helpless in the middle of all this. So I am doing the only thing I know to do. I’m writing and hoping that in some small way it can help. Here are some things to keep in mind while our community struggles to deal with the aftermath of these tragic events.

1. You are safe.  At least you are just as safe as you were yesterday, even if it doesn’t feel that way. Violent crime is actually declining across Canada but because of our Social Media world it feels like it is happening all the time. Our police officers do a good job of keeping danger as far away from us as possible. So despite how close this feels, you are safe.

2. It is okay to be emotional. Even if this tragedy hasn’t impacted you directly, many of us will feel shaken up. It affects us all indirectly. Chances are there are only a few degrees of separation between these events and someone we know. We have all driven down that road, been in or around the casino or near that golf course. It is okay to feel strange about that.

3. It is okay to not be emotional. We all deal with things differently. The trick is to not judge people who don’t react the way you do. We never know what other people have been through. Their reactions are an accumulation of their past and their present reality. This will be a big emotional deal for some, for others they won’t skip a beat. So much depends on who we are and where we come from. There is no right way to react.

4. Try to avoid blame, at least for now. It is easy to start pointing fingers at the mentally ill, the officers, government or even extremist groups. Anger is a normal reaction but it often is just a diversion from sadness. It can damage relationships, put up walls and create many unintended consequences that have a long term impact. When you have all the information, then decide what you think and if you need to take some sort of action.

5. Trauma triggers trauma. If you have had any trauma in your past then reading and hearing about these events can trigger your feelings about the past, sometimes without you even realizing it. Take it easy on yourself and get help if you struggle to cope. Talking about what you are feeling is an important first step.

6. Support each other. There is no doubt there are many people in the community that know and love people directly affected by today’s events. There are no words to make this right. The only option you have is to be present to them or not. They don’t need your words. They just need someone to walk beside them in this awful journey. So don’t worry about saying or doing the right thing. You probably will screw it up in one way or another.  They will forgive you if you are genuine. Just be present.

7. Don’t forget the kids. While we often feel it is our job to protect our children, it is not. Our jobs as parents and as a community is to prepare our kids for the world.  A colleague said to me the other day: “Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child”.  This sort of thing will happen throughout their life.  They need to be taught how to deal with it.

When you are ready, talk to your kids about what happened.  Here are some tips for talking to kids about tragedy that I wrote after Thomas Wedman, a 6-year-old boy died in our community a year and a half ago. They will hear about today’s events. My hope is that they hear it from someone that can reassure them rather than a classmate on the park at school. Kids need to feel safe, loved and heard. And then they need to play.

8. Get it out. Talk, draw, run or whatever you do to get the feelings and thoughts out of your head.

9. Know when to stop. Sometimes we have to stop talking, reading and watching the events unfold. Our body and brain need a break from the intensity otherwise we may find ourselves traumatizing ourselves. Vicarious trauma is a real threat when we start to process events at such depth that our bodies and brains start to react like the trauma has happened to us.    

10. Say the words. It is hard to find meaning in tragedy. Sometimes the only thing that we can do is accept the lesson about the frailty of life and senselessness of the rat race we often get caught up in. Tell the people in your life you love them. Tell the RCMP how much we appreciate what they do. Make sure everyone knows how important they are in your life. These events aren’t meaningless if we learn from them.

Tonight my son is tired and the laundry still isn’t done. I can’t think of anything more pointless to worry about than that. I am safe because of people like Constable David Wynn and Auxiliary Constable Derek Walter Bond. My energy is better spent thinking of them and their families. I am humbled by their sacrifices. I hope I am worthy of such an immeasurable gift.

This morning I was looking in the mirror. This past year I have a new crop of grey hair and noticeable crow’s feet. They are undeniable in the bright morning sun. My pores are not as clear as they used to be, my skin not as tight.  I most definitely have softer edges all over my body than I used to. I’m not sure how this all happened but it did.  The funny thing is that I don’t think I have ever been as comfortable in my own skin.

My recent comfort with my wrinkles comes from a few months of long hard perspective. Life has been chaotic with changing jobs, new responsibilities, and increased professional pressure. My jobs require me to be present to the intense emotions in the lives of others.  I love it but it can be draining if I am not taking care of myself.

Recently life has also been chaotic with family.  Aging parents and grandparents as well as their health concerns have shifted my perspective back home. This is a pretty common occurrence for middle age. We all go through it at some point or another. Sometimes life has a way of reminding you what is important not with a gentle push but with a giant sledgehammer.

I thought I’d take a moment and share with you some tips that have got me through the last few months.

Tips for Dealing when Life Gets Chaotic

1. Drink Water  

I know it sounds crazy that something so small can make such a big difference but your whole system will be out of whack if you aren’t hydrated. You may not be able to control the chaos around you but you can stop for a glass of water.

2. Eat

Even when you don’t think you have time or aren’t hungry. Low blood sugar is the worst culprit when it comes to overreacting to stress. It makes everything seem less manageable and more intense.

3. Breathe

Stop for one minute and take some big breaths.  Imagine you are exhaling all the bad energy out and bringing all the positive healing energy in.  Breathe all the way down into the deepest part of your lungs.

4. Prioritize 

Don’t think about all the things that need to be done. Focus on the most important first. What is the most critical thing to deal with and be present to it.  I often have lists in my head.  The “who” needs me most always takes priority over the “what needs to be done.” Ignore completely things that don’t matter. No one cares that you haven’t vacuumed.

5. Accept that You Will Drop the Ball 

If the chaos lasts long enough then something will get missed.  Hopefully you prioritized well so that the thing that gets missed is really the least important. You are human and you will screw up. Try not to dwell on this.  I prefer to think that it makes me quirky rather than incompetent.

6. Learn When to say “No”

Most people ask a lot of others, not because they are jerks but because there is nothing wrong with asking. It is okay for them to ask, it is also okay for you to say “No”. A great perspective I once heard is that “when you say no to something, you are saying yes to something else.”

7. Your Energy is a Finite Resource

Don’t waste your energy with people or things that don’t value you as much as you value them. It feels good to be there for people in your life but healthy relationships are reciprocal. You should be able to rely on others to be there for you when you need them.

8. This Too Shall Pass

If you are taking good care of yourself than likely this is a temporary phase in your life. Sometimes no matter how well we plan and take care of ourselves we can’t prepare for what life throws at us.  Chaos can come like a tidal wave but it can leave just as fast. Try to ride out the wave rather than fight it. All you have to do is keep your head above the water.

9. Know When to Get Help

If chaos has rented a room in your life than there may be more going on then you care to admit. Trauma, grief, addictions and other struggles can be deep rooted. Often people feel like they are a magnet for chaos. What is more likely the case is that they invite chaos into their lives without even knowing it. If you need more professional help to sort it out than seek it out. There is no shame in reaching out whether it be to a friend or a counsellor.

10. Be Your Best Self

You can’t be everything to everyone but you can be someone to yourself. Even in chaos you can act in ways that make you proud of yourself. I am a big believer that we show our greatest strengths at our darkest times. You will learn what you are made of when chaos comes into your life.

The moral of the story: This year I have earned my wrinkles. I will wear them proudly.

 

I used to call her my Christmas tree Grandma. She had these bright green pants that she often wore with a bright red sweater. I saw this wardrobe for years of my life. We would watch endless slides of my grandparents adventures traveling the world.  I used to love the sound of the projector changing slides.

She was a peculiar lady. In many ways the typical grandma with warm yummy cookies, knitted sweaters and big hugs for all her grandchildren. She was a family matriarch that always gathered family together and did everything to keep the generations connected to a common history.  She also never cared what people thought of her as evidenced by her wardrobe. She enjoyed sitting with the kids at restaurants making the napkins dance.  She was an awful cook. Never used salt and made tasteless mush out of any vegetable she touched.  She was kind, warm, accepting and a bit eccentric.

In the end she used to tell stories to us grandchildren until we would all laugh our heads off, usually about Blackie the family dog running away.  She would smile at our laughter and then say: “That reminds me of a story…” and then tell us the same story again. I know more about dementia now than I did then.  At the time I thought it was endearing, now thinking back it makes me a bit sad.

She died after a bowel blockage erupted shortly after my grandfather went in for a quadruple bypass. We all had said our goodbyes to him in case he didn’t make it through the surgery. I have always felt a bit cheated that I ended up missing out on saying goodbye to her. I was so focused on saying goodbye to him that it never occurred to me that I might lose her. My grandfather lived for 8 more years after his surgery, some good others not.

I have been reflecting on my grandmother lately.  There is no mystery as to why.  It is Christmas and the colour combination of green and red will always remind me of her.  There is another reason, the last few weeks my husband’s 92-year-old grandmother has been gravely ill.

GG as we call her is also a quirky lady. She can be grumpy, opinionated and crotchety. You don’t get to 92 by being passive. She has authentic unfiltered emotions and this makes her wildly funny. She has not often missed an opportunity to tease me or give me a devilish smile not to mention occasionally call me inappropriate names. She is one of the lucky ones. While her memory isn’t what it used to be she has her wits about her.

When she was acutely ill we all pulled together and spent turns with her in the hospital. No one wanted her to go through it alone. She is a lucky woman to have so many people love her. We are lucky too. At the end of life, luck is a funny thing. It really depends on how you look at it.

The gifts of getting near the end of life is that you get to see what is important. She talks a lot about the past and people in it. She talks about the simple things like how good food will taste when her taste buds start working again. Mostly she talks about being scared of dying. She isn’t scared of being dead but she’s not looking forward to how it will happen. I can understand that.

End of life is something we often try to avoid. It makes us think of our own death and the potential of losing people close to us. I have worked with people dying of cancer, dealing with trauma and struggling with mental health.  One thing I have learned is that most of us want to avoid these intense feeling like the plague so we miss out. We miss out on the journey and the victories along the way. Mostly we miss out on the deep connections that are forged when we are most vulnerable.

There are gifts in being present to our loved ones through their dying process just like there are gifts to the experience of childbirth. Transitions are always hard. They are also intensely intimate. We learn a lot about ourselves our loved ones and about humanity during these times.

People dying or near death are sometimes inconveniences in our busy lives. They demand our attention and our time. Depending on the person we either make room or don’t. That usually says more about us than them.

GG is getting stronger. We are hopeful that she will fully recover although I am sure we are all a little scared she won’t. I know she is. She is at home now and I am grateful for that.

Christmas is a time of celebration. While I can’t honestly say I feel like celebrating GG’s current state, I can say that she is worth celebrating.

**Note: GG can be a private person. My mother-in-law read her this post to make sure she was OK with me posting it.  GG would like it to be known that she doesn’t remember calling me names. I think that she uses her age to conveniently forget but for the record I may have been asking for it. :-)**

I admit it. I am fed up. The news has been littered lately with headlines that highlight how our society collectively treats women. The most recent attack that made the news was of a brutal sexual assault in Winnipeg.  A 16-year-old girl was left for dead.

Teen girls being victims of sexual violence is not new to me. I have helped clients for years with this kind of trauma. The stories are always painfully similar. First the perpetrator finds a girl that is in a vulnerable situation. She may be drinking, at a party or just walking down the street. The perpetrator either slowly over the course of years, months, or seconds systematically dismantles any power or control the victim has to avoid what is probably inevitable. Then the violence happens.

The worst part of the story is not the sexual assault. That, after all, often only happens for a few seconds or minutes. The real violence is what happens before and after. Every survivor I have ever spoke to tells me about a particular moment in their assault. It is the moment that they feel they lost control. They feel like they made the wrong move, the wrong decision. Often it is the one thing they would fixate on for years after.

For some the moment is when they didn’t say no, when they let it happen, when they gave in. This can be when they stopped fighting or for some when they actively participated so that it would get over with faster. It is that moment that makes them question themselves forever.

The reality is that in that moment they likely did the smartest thing they could do. It may have saved them from further damage and in some cases saved their life. But it is that moment that they often felt the weakest. Their perpetrator arranged it that way. It is that moment that often confuses them into desperately wanting to believe the perpetrator somehow misunderstood what he was doing, that he didn’t mean it. Some women even continue to date, live with or communicate with their attacker. The worst part of a sexual assault is how it makes you second guess yourself.

The second worst part of the sexual assault is how others second guess you. I have had many parents talk to me about how their child shouldn’t have drank, dated that guy, worn that sexy shirt, walked home alone… fill in the blank. I know that these parents are trying to protect their child but what they are inadvertently doing is reinforcing that it was the girl’s fault. Most of the time the survivor was only doing what many of us have done countless times without being assaulted.

The most important thing you can do for some one that has been assaulted is to believe them. Often they struggle to believe it happened.  Trauma Training 101: Believe the victim.

Part of the reason I am so enraged lately is that I recently failed my trauma training. A certain charismatic radio personality had me totally duped. When he pointed the finger at a jilted ex-lover my instincts told me that he was telling the truth.  As more information came out I became angry at myself. I know better, I should have done better.

My anger has only grown. The accusations of sexual harassment at the House of Commons, a recent report on street harassment, and then the recent reports of sexual assaults across the country have only fueled the fire. We are all to blame. We have not done a good job of protecting our women. As a society we have come a long way but not nearly far enough.

I know that men experience violence as well. I know that this isn’t only a women’s issue. But right now I am mad about violence against women. As a woman I experience first hand the underlying societal violence women experience. I am particularly mad that my daughter will also experience this insidious truth. Society tells us that we are not good enough, not smart enough, or not sexy enough. It also tells us that we are too good, too smart and too sexy.  There is no win.

There is hope. I hear daily conversations, debates and news items starting to challenge what is happening in our society. I haven’t heard the sensitivity, communal rage and desire to change before. I am particularly hopeful for the future when I hear stories of men stepping forward to take on the cause of violence against women through the White Ribbon Campaign and He for She.

November is Family Violence Prevention Month. Violence against women is a family issue. It is our mother’s, sister’s, aunt’s and cousin’s issue and therefore it is all of ours. We all need to feel some outrage.

If you need help there are organizations like Stop Abuse in Families, The Crisis Support Centre and the Edmonton Sexual Assault Centre that are here to help.

Here we go again. I am excited to announce that Mental Health Bootcamp is back.  This time will be even better!

What is a Mental Health Boot Camp?

A Mental Health Boot Camp is at its heart a commitment. It is a commitment to taking care of yourself. For the month of November I will post one self-care exercise every day on my Facebook Page and on Twitter (#mhbootcamp).

The exercises will be relatively short and easy to accomplish within half an hour or less.  The idea is that we make this a group effort. We can support each other in following through on our commitment and hopefully inspire others to get involved. The best way to show our children, friends and families that mental health matters is by being a good role model.

What’s new in Mental Health Boot Camp 2.0?

One of my goals with the Mental Health Boot Camp has been to help us all feel connected. I was overwhelmed last year with how many people reached out to me to thank me and share some stories. It instilled in me a real passion for this event. The point however is not for people to become attached to me. It is for people to feel connected to each other and our community. The point is to have us all slow down and enjoy life rather than run to the next thing on our “To Do” list.

The first new addition to Mental  Health Boot Camp is that there will be an activity once a week that has the option of meeting as a group to do together. Our first group activity will be the Mental Health Boot Camp kick off event.  It will be held on November 1st from 3:00-5:00 at the St. Albert Food Bank and Community Village. (Don’t worry if you can’t be here in person, there will always be tasks posted for those who can’t make for whatever reason).

The second new addition is that throughout the month we will be working on a communal art project.  I am thrilled that my favorite local painter Samantha Williams Chapelsky will be leading us on an easy and fun project that will help us slow down and get in touch with our creative side. I promise that even the most amateur artist will be able to get this one done. My hope is that we will be able to share our work with each other so that we can create something awesome in the end. Kits for the project will be available at the launch and at my office for pick up (send me a message first if you need to arrange to pick one up). We will start the art project on November 4th which will be another of our optional group gathering days.

LAUNCH PARTY

Join us at the St. Albert Food Bank and Community Village (30 – 50 Bellerose Drive) on November 1st from 3:00-5:00.  We will be doing our first activity together. Please bring a donation to the Food Bank and some soul food to share.  Soul food is anything that you eat that brings a smile to your face.  If you don’t have time to whip something up or head to the store, come anyway. We want your presence, not to stress you out. If you are planning on coming please RSVP to me by commenting here, on the Facebook Page or on Twitter so I know how many to prepare for. I can’t wait to spend some time with others focused on their mental health.

Again, if you can’t make it to the launch or any of the other in person events, no worries. The tasks will also be posted online.

Inspirational Ideas from the first Mental Health Boot Camp

Last Boot Camp I got a ton of feedback during the month on how people were getting involved. Many parents told me that they decided to do the Boot Camp as a family to help show their children that self care is learned and a skill that everyone should practice. One woman did the camp with an elderly woman that she was caring for and told me how she modified any exercises to work for them.

I was even asked to go to an Edmonton High School to talk about the Boot Camp. Those students then decided to organize a “Free Hugs” event at their school.

How can I get involved?

The easiest way to get involved is to “Like” my Facebook Page and ask to get notifications for my Page. You can do this by going to my Page, clicking on “Liked” and then selecting “Get Notifications.” Sometimes Facebook is determined not to show everything in your newsfeed, so if you haven’t seen the post for the day, just check on the Page, it will be there. Twitter is a bit easier, just follow me @kristaosborne or use the hashtag #mhbootcamp.

Inspire Other to Get Involved

The more vocal we get about Mental Health Boot Camp the better. It helps other prioritze self-care too. Facebook shows only posts on users timelines that get attention. So make sure to like, comment and share often. I will also send out invitations on Facebook to the face-to-face events. Invite anyone that you think would like to come. If you are following on Twitter don’t forget to retweet.

What Mental Health Bootcamp is NOT

Mental Health Boot Camp is not a replacement for therapy. If you are struggling with things in your life then the Boot Camp can help you slow down and take better care of yourself. It is not a good place to deal with the really hard stuff like loss, trauma and mental illness. We can share our stories during boot camp but be cautious of airing anything online that is too intense, recent or that could make you feel vulnerable later.  I am happy to make referrals and get you connected if you need more help than the boot camp can offer.

Boot Camp is not supposed to stress you out! If you don’t like a task, forgot to do one or just find that you can’t finish the month then don’t worry. Life has too many pressures to add more of them. Feel free to share, modify and ignore anything that doesn’t fit for you and your life.

That’s all you need to know and I hope everyone has as much this time as we all did last time. 

One thing I know for sure is that most of us are our own worst enemy, at least I am. I am quick to forgive, very understanding of others and I have built my career around empathy. I am ruefully incompetent at using these qualities on myself.

This has led me to be overworked, injured, in pain and at times burnt out. I have put myself last on my own to do list for years.  The first time I overdid it I became obsessed with reading self-help books. You know the Oprah Winfrey endorsed kinds that have you bare your soul and set impossible intentions for your enlightenment. These books can be good for some people but after reading my fifth or sixth one I became angry enough with the author’s insistence that there was something wrong with me that I stopped reading and threw the book across the room. There was nothing wrong with me other than my own impossible expectations.

Last year when I was feeling particularly sloth-like and lethargic I decided it was important that I take action for me. I needed to start taking better care of myself. Okay, that was a bold faced lie. I actually was also sick of the dog being crazy with nervous energy. In classic care-giver fashion someone else was the primary motivator. My dog needed more exercise. We were all going a little crazy with her constant fidgeting and pacing while we were trying to watch TV in the evening.

Last year we also had some family pictures done and I felt like I looked too “puffy” for my own comfort. Vanity is not one of the seven deadly sins that usually plagues me. I have been blessed with good metabolism and I am too lazy and cheap for make up and manicures.

For the most part I am pretty comfortable in my own skin but not after I saw those pictures. Aging is taking a toll on my resolve to remain natural. Wrinkles are creasing my skin, grey hair is sprouting quickly and my metabolism is slowing down. So I started to run.

Take control… Good idea, right?  That’s what I thought, so I started training for my 10 km run. I trained hard and fast. My summer felt like a constant training program. I was either running or recovering from a run. This was supposed to be good for me.

A week before the race I went to my chiropractor because the stiffness I assumed was natural for someone running as much as I was, wasn’t in fact natural.  My IT band was tearing. I ran for a month in almost constant pain assuming that this was part of pushing my training routine. In the end I was too injured to run the race I was training for.  I trained for nothing.

Okay…maybe not nothing. I have always considered myself a runner. It was nice to actually start running to add some validity to the label. As is the case with my dog, I now recognize the nervous energy and clouded thinking that is easily cleared up with some fresh air and a pair of runners. Ask most runners and they will tell you it is addictive.

This year I have taken a whole new approach to running. I am preparing for my first half-marathon in almost 15 years. When I find myself getting frustrated by missed runs or a meandering pace I try to remind myself that I am good enough, irregardless of the outcome. This time I will cross the finish line with a few more wrinkles and a few more grey hairs but I will finish. I am good enough and I always have been. Sometimes I just forget.

 

Not all parents and students look forward to the school year ahead. As the school year approaches, my phone has been ringing more frequently with panicking parents. Many of the parents I talk to just need a pep talk and a bit of guidance. Here are some tips that I often share with these families.

1. Freaking out leads to more freaking out. This is especially true with anxiety.  Forcing your kid into situations that freak them out usually just makes the anxiety worse.  The problem is avoiding anxiety only amplifies it. So if your teen is worried about the upcoming school term try to ease them in slowly. Start incorporating routines that will be typical of school time such as curfews, bedtimes and study times slowly so they can get used to gradual change. The key is to expose them to the things that cause them anxiety in small manageable bits so they stay calm, experience success and work with their anxiety rather than let it take over.

2. Stay calm. Getting angry, yelling or punishing your anxious teen will only lead to more anger, yelling and punishing. The same is true if you’re an anxious parent. You worrying only leads to your child worrying.  It doesn’t actually change anything. If you obsess about how your teen is doing in school academically or socially this will only lead to them worrying about how they are going to do in school.  Anxiety is contagious. Get your own anxiety and/or anger in check first before dealing with your adolescent’s emotions.

3. You can not rationalize with an irrational person. I can recall vividly talking quietly and calmly to my daughter about not screaming in the car while I was driving. I was in the car, and she had lost her head. I told her how it was dangerous and how she needed to keep her voice down even though she dropped her favorite stuffy on the ground. I was totally rational and in control. She was not. Not surprisingly she wasn’t on board with my thought process.  She didn’t say to me “Mommy, that makes sense, I will calm down and wait for you to come to a full and complete stop.” I thought I was being a good parent. I was calm. What I was missing is that you can not rationalize with someone being irrational.

This is true for toddlers, teenagers, and spouses. If your teen is upset about something that makes no sense to you, try talking about feelings rather than facts. We often try to make sense of the facts.  Facts really don’t matter. It is what your teen believes and feels that are causing their concerns.  They may or may not be rational but they are real. You can only have a rational conversation when everyone is calm and willing to listen. So comfort now, talk later.

4. Anxiety is not the enemy. Anxiety often comes from things that are important in our life. All the best things of life are often also the scariest. Think of weddings, graduations and births. These are all very anxiety ridden events but they are also often the highlights of our lives. Teach your child how anxiety is kind of like an exclamation point. It emphasizes to us what is important in our lives. Anxiety is a physical reaction to what is happening in the world. It helps you avoid danger and prepares you to survive. It is something generally that should be embraced rather than feared.

5. Celebrate success. Even small steps forward need positive feedback. Sometimes just showing up is a victory. So if your teen went through some social issues at school last year encourage them just to keep moving forward even if it is slowly. Focusing on failure or anxiety often amplifies its intensity. It is better to acknowledge hard feelings and then encourage positive movement towards small goals. Don’t forget to celebrate.

6. When in doubt, ask. Some people do suffer from debilitating anxiety. For them, anxiety is more difficult to control. I believe that most teens can be taught skills to manage their anxiety. There are some, however, that live in a constantly anxiety aroused state. This is not healthy for their physical or mental health. For these people it is a biological issue that may require extra help through a therapist or a Family Physician. If you aren’t sure, an assessment by a professional will not hurt.

7. Talk less, listen more. We all have had that experience of asking our kids about their day around the dinner table only to get a blank stare back. I find teens talk more the more time you spend with them. The best conversations usually happen in the car when you are driving them somewhere or when you are watching a show, shopping or playing video games.  Try “hanging out” with your kids just doing stuff and you will be surprised what they tell you when you are listening.

8. Connect, connect, connect.  The reality is that once our children are too big to be carried to their room against their will, we have little direct control of them. We can make all the rules and consequences that we can think up but our kids eventually learn that they don’t have to listen to what we have to say. They have us by the emotional neck. Our only recourse comes down to whether or not we are willing to throw them out and whether we choose to financially support them. Depending on their age even this may not be a choice. Some teens realize that we parents have no real power earlier than others.

The only influence we really have in our adolescents’ lives come through our relationship with them. If we have a good relationship with them, then we can use that relationship to influence them through our words, expectations and our values. If our relationship is strained then they may not feel the need to follow our rules and therefore discount our efforts to keep them safe. All relationships cycle through phases of closeness and some distance. Our job as parents is to hang in there and do everything we can to make sure our kids know they are loved. It is better to choose parenting approaches that are firm yet always caring than approaches that may undermine your relationship with your teen.

When in doubt you only need to remember one thing: relationship is everything.