Category: Grief

I have to be honest with you. I am weary from writing blogs about losing young people.Tragedy wears us all down. St. Albert Public Schools lost two young people in the past couple of weeks, in different ways, though equally tragic. My heart goes out to Zach and Luke’s families. The only thing I know to do with these feelings is to reach out to my community to offer support.

I think the current context of our pandemic is taking its toll on all of us. My private practice is busier than ever and filled with teens that are struggling with anxiety, depression, trauma and grief. Not everything is pandemic-related but even if it isn’t, our youth aren’t able to connect and cope in the ways that they normally would regardless of the causes of their stress.

Our youth are struggling and these recent losses in our community have potential to be the breaking point for some. Here is the best advice I can give you for talking to your young people about loss. It was adapted from one of my earlier posts a few years ago after young Darian Mar died in an accident.

1. Talk to your kids. If a tragedy happens in a community, then the whole community grieves. Regardless of the age of your child, they will likely be exposed to this event in one way or another if they are a part of this community. Even if your child does not know these families or children directly, the school, sports teams and anyone connected directly or indirectly are likely to have a reaction. It is not just the tragic loss of young lives that has happened. The loss of their lives will ripple through the lives of our youth in ways that are too soon to understand.

2. Talk to your kids about suicide but also about life. Specifically for the loss of young Luke, it is important that we talk openly and compassionately with our kids about what happened. Stigma, shame and silence only lead to more tragedy. I don’t know Luke, but I know that he struggled in a way that I never want another kid to struggle. I also know that he was so much more than how he died.

3.Ask questions and listen. What is your teen hearing at school, on the field or wherever else they hang out? What are your child’s thoughts on what happened? If you are listening, you will hear the misinformation and more importantly be able to hear their fears. You will be better able to dispel disinformation and reassure them about their fears if you keep your ears open and your mouth closed.

4. Let them know that they are safe. Kids and teens are just like adults. They need to feel safe. COVID makes this tricky, I know. While it is important not to lie, it is also important for them to have perspective.

5. Empower them. There are things people can do to keep themselves and those they love as safe as possible. This is the time to remind youth about looking out for each other. Reaching out to adults if they are worried about a friend. Give them the tools they need to take charge of their grief and emotions.

6. Be honest. Teens and children need to know where to go for the truth. If you don’t talk about it, or make up and gloss over details, your kids will know it. You don’t need to go into graphic detail, only answer what your child is asking. This goes for health issues and for suicide. We can’t protect our kids from the reality of tragedy but we can support them through it.

7. Watch your language. Young children are very concrete. They don’t understand flowery language like “passed on” or “went to sleep.” It often makes us feel better softening the words, but it can confuse and scare children. They need concrete language that they can understand such as “died” and “his body stopped working.” That doesn’t mean you have to leave your religious beliefs out but be cautious about being too vague.

With teens you can be more philosophical, their ability to handle abstract thinking is more mature. Make sure to explore their understandings and beliefs, not just present your own. Adolescents need to explore all sorts of ideas so that they can figure out who they are in the world. Use the opportunity to understand them better. It will help you both feel closer.

For those closer to the deaths look out for magical thinking. So often youth feel responsible for bad things happening. “What if I was there?”, “What if I didn’t do this?”, “He would still be here if I’d only…” This comes from part of brain development that hasn’t completed yet for youth. They often think in ways that are less global and more personal which can lead them to guilting themselves for things that couldn’t possibly be their fault. If you see this in your kid, listen first and then clarify the reality.

8. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Some people will be affected more than others. Some kids/teens will need to talk, some kids/teens won’t. During these COVID times grieving is difficult. We don’t have the ability to get together to grieve. Find creative ways to support your kids, yourselves and the families that have lost their children. Give people the opportunity to talk, grieve and do whatever they need to do but don’t force them to do anything. One mistake parents make is to over-analyze, over-protect and over-process the events. Teens and children need to go back to their regular routine as soon as they are ready. If they are wanting to talk about other things, it is time to move on.

9. It takes time. Adolescents and children grieve over time, just like the rest of us. You may find that this doesn’t affect them now, but it may affect them later. These things come and go over time in unpredictable ways. We often give people a ton of support around the time of an incident but then fade out. There is no time frame or end date.

10. Support your kids in being supportive. If your child is a support for anyone involved help them to be present to their friends. They don’t have to do anything special, just play, hang out and listen. Often teens avoid situations that are intensely emotional. Your child may struggle to know what to say or do. Help them come up with a plan. Grieving families just need to know that people care, and that they can just be themselves. They don’t need to be treated with kid gloves, put on a pedestal, or avoided like they have some infectious disease. They have had a horrible thing happen in their life. They deserve to have people walk with them in their grief so they don’t have to do this alone.

11. Give yourself a break. Despite the “rules” I have laid out for you, there is no right way to do this. If you approach your youth with love and compassion, then they will learn from this experience about love and compassion. Trust your gut and your relationship with your child. Let that be the most influential guide.

Resources:
If you are struggling with mental health concerns, please consider phoning any of these agencies or organizations:

Suicide Distress Line: 780.482.4357
Kids Help Phone: 1.800.668.6868
Youth Emergency Shelter: 780.468.7070
Children/Youth Mental Health Crisis: 780.427.4491
Alberta Health Services, Mental Health Supports, Mental Health and Addictions counselling for adults and children: 780.342.1410
Zebra Child Protection Centre: 780.421.2385
Adult Mental Health Crisis: 780.424.2424

I haven’t blogged in a long time. The reason being is that I really struggled to find anything productive to say. It is hard when you are fighting your own inner battles to focus on things like writing. Every time I sat down to write I felt like a fraud and a hypocrite. Anything I wrote seemed glib and flat. Mostly I have been just putting one foot in front of the other trying to survive. There isn’t anything particularly inspirational about that.

You see over the past year and a half I have been struggling with my own loss. My father died in November of cancer. He was diagnosed early and doctors were able to buy us a precious year and a half before the inevitable came.  That last year was an invaluable gift. We talked, we traveled and he helped tie up loose ends. His battle was brutal but not as brutal as some. While the struggle was long, the end came quick.

I struggle to share this with you. Professionally there is only so much value in sharing my personal life. While my blog is personal in nature I try to walk a line between oversharing and being too clinical. While I was in the middle of the chaos the lines were blurred. Was I sharing for my own therapy or to help others?  It felt safer personally and professionally to remain quiet so I did.

Also it didn’t always feel like my story to tell. My family members have a right to their privacy. My Dad was a private man and really didn’t want anyone knowing about his health. There are many people that get claim to this loss and the story around it. I didn’t want to prioritize my experience above theirs.

But as the chaos wanes I find myself with something to say. While grief and loss have always been one of my professional areas of interest, it is a whole other thing to experience it personally. I understand grief intellectually, that has been helpful. What I didn’t know was how hard it is to juggle my grief and the grief of those around me.  The following are a couple of things that I am learning that I think may be helpful to anyone both grieving and supporting others in their grief.

1. Prioritize

I want to say that you should always prioritize your grief above others but the reality of this isn’t true. We are all part of bigger family systems.  Sometimes my grief takes priority in my life. Sometimes it doesn’t. My Dad was the one dying. For me, it was hard to trump that. Helping him through that was the first thing on my priority list. Not just for him but because I knew I would survive by doing what I do best, helping. Then when he died others hit the top of the list. My children lost their grandfather. My mother lost her partner of 48 years. They all needed some extra support at least that is what I told myself. They may have different ideas. In my view of the world these are reasonable sacrifices. This is part of my role in my family and I am no martyr. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

That said some days, my sanity came first. Some minutes, or hours I just had to step out of their stuff and into my own. How I chose to prioritize tasks and people was a decision that I made and changed constantly. The people around me had to prioritize things as well. Sometimes these priorities lined up. Sometimes they didn’t. I remind myself even now that everyone has the right to prioritize their life however they want and need to. It is really none of my business. I can like it or not like it but it isn’t up to me.

2. Everyone grieves differently

Doka and Martin (2010) described what they saw as fundamentally different grieving styles. They delineated between what they classified as “instrumental” verses “intuitive” grievers. Instrumental grievers are people who grieve by “doing.”  Their grief is shown through action. They will roll up their sleeves and take on projects. Sometimes these projects were related to the loss though not always.  Intuitive grievers are more emotional. They “feel’ the loss. They grieve through their emotions. Often these styles happened along gender lines.

While I believe that there is more than just two styles of grievers, Doka and Martin’s conceptual framework is useful in understanding families. Families are made up of a variety of grieving styles and they don’t always mix well. Some people barely seem to grieve at all.  This too is Okay. Things get complicated when needs are different. Often families look at each other and think that others are “doing it wrong.”

3. Grief is an individual journey

Grief is an individual journey. You can’t do it for someone. There is no fix. They will have to figure it out for themselves. You can join them on their journey if they let you. Ultimately grief is something that everyone has to find their own way of managing. This is hard, especially if you think you can see an answer that they can’t or won’t. You are not the one in control no matter how much you want to be.

4. Grief will highlight other family dynamics

All families have interesting quirks. There are alliances, communication issues and down right dysfunction in every family. Grief will inevitably bring these to the forefront of relationships. People are often more sensitive and less tolerant in the middle of loss. This is why families reprocess old trauma and argue old battles. This is normal even though nerve wracking. So don’t be surprised if things get a little tense. Even the most highly functional families will likely struggle. It is part of renegotiating new roles. Try to be patient with each other. In some families grief provides an opportunity to move past issues and become closer to loved ones.

5. Your stories won’t be the same

The funny thing about our brains is that they are actually very poor at recalling details of traumatic events. Some things will be etched into our memories with crazy amounts of detail and other things our brain will just make up to suit our version of the story. Each griever will have their own version of events. These versions will have similarities in “facts” but are often pretty different in interpretation. People tend to skew events to reinforce the way they see themselves and those around them. This can cause endless arguments.

This one was easy for me to forget in the depths of my family’s loss. I am just as guilty as everyone else. The reality of how I remember my father’s death is just as flawed and inaccurate as anyone else’s. There is no point in arguing details or interpretation. My story is mine. Their story is theirs. The “truth” is somewhere in there but probably isn’t as relevant as we want it to be.

6. Lean in

This can mean many things. Lean in to the grief and not away from it. Sadness is both torturous and gratifying. Grief isn’t always about pain, sometimes it is about relief and gratitude. Feelings demand to be felt so take the time to let yourself feel them. Give the people in your life the room to feel whatever it is that they need to feel. This means make room for sadness but also joy. Feelings are unpredictable and sometimes don’t make a lot of sense.

Leaning in is also about using supports. While my father was dying my partner was an enormous help. He just did whatever needed to be done. I hate asking for help or feeling weak so it was hard to just let people help me. My friends texted and called even when I didn’t answer. They brought lunch. They helped with kids and they just waited for whatever I needed. While the intensity of support has waned. I also don’t need it the same way right now. If you are grieving reach out for the support you need. Lean on the people in your life. You will likely be surprised at the people that are there to help if you ask. You also will be surprised at who isn’t.

Encourage the people in your life to find supports around them. The more connections a person has the better. If you are helping someone with their grief, keep encouraging them to build in more supports. When you have a bad day they will still have others to rely on.

I don’t want to imply that my grief is over. It has been 6 months since my father died and my grief is alive and well inside me. It will likely stay with me for the rest of my life. For me, and for now, the crisis is over. At least that is how I feel today. Tomorrow may be different.

 

References

Doka, K. & Martin, T. (2010) Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding the ways men and women mourn. Revised edition. Routledge Taylor Francis group.  New York.

As I watch from the safety of my home, I see images of my northern neighbours fleeing from the flames that threaten their homes, work and lives. It is a living nightmare. I can’t help but imagine what it would be like to have to pack up my family, pets, and all that I have worked for in a matter of minutes.  I can’t even begin to get my head around that.

I have worked with people in crisis my whole career. Still the enormity of this crisis is unprecedented for me. Like many Albertans, I can only offer what I have to give and I offer it up willingly. Over the next couple of days I will write a series of blog posts on living through crisis in the hope that it will provide some guidance and reassurance to those it reaches.

Here are some survival tips for the survivors:

1. Take care of the first thing first. In a crisis it is almost impossible to know where to start. Right now there is so much to do and so little ability to do anything. If you have heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, this is the time to use it.  Basically Maslow said that you need to deal with the basics of human functioning like food, shelter and water before you can even begin to deal with the bigger picture stuff like future planning, emotional release and recovery.  So make sure you have food and water. It is easy to get overwhelmed and forget to eat and drink but your body cannot function well unless it has the basic tools to survive.

2.  Safety. Now that you are likely away from the imminent risk you need to start thinking about your emotional safety. For the people still stuck up North near the fires, this is tricky. You may now be physically safe but you may still feel trapped and worried about the possibility about the need to flee again. With nothing but time to wait, it is understandable if your worries may start to take over.

How do you keep yourself emotionally safe? For some, that means keeping busy: helping others, finding tasks and doing whatever you can. For others this will mean zoning out. Some will want to distract themselves. This may mean reading, talking on the phone, texting, Facebooking or using Netflix. While in the long term constant distracting can lead to numbing and chronic dissociation, in the short term it can be a vital survival tool.

For some of you just spending time reflecting on the important things, like what you saved, what you have prioritized and what you still have will be enough to help you feel emotionally safe.

3. Breathe. It sounds cliché I know, but it is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Deep breaths help you focus, calm down and energize. It helps move all the hormones and stress chemicals through your system so your body can process them and get them out. I often use bubbles, real or imagined, with the people I work with. Blowing bubbles forces you to take deep breaths. Imagine breathing in and then blowing them out. I also like to watch the bubbles as they float and then pop. It is a good metaphor for the beauty and fragility of life.

4. Know when to turn it off. Our brains and bodies sometimes have a hard time processing images, videos and negative stories at times of crisis. Our brains can react to the things around us as if they are happening in the present. Constant reading, watching and listening to news of the ongoing trauma can leave you vulnerable. Trust your body. There will be a point where you will need to stop and give yourself a break.  In our digital age it is easy to get swept up in the drama and forget that it isn’t good for us to constantly relive the event. Your body and brain need a break in order to distance themselves from the trauma. So make sure to turn it off from time to time.

5. What you are going through is normal. There is a wide range of normal in a crisis. You may be over-stimulated and have a hard time calming yourself down. This is normal. You may be teary and feel like you will never stop crying. This is normal. You may be totally numb and not feel anything at all. This is normal. You may feel completely fine, grateful and maybe even giddy. This is normal too. Whatever you are feeling right now is okay. It will change, evolve and fluctuate over time. Sometimes your emotions will swing from moment to moment.

6. Forgive yourself. It is tempting to second guess everything you did, the stuff you did or did not take and the people you did or did not contact. Some of the choices you made will seem bizarre or comical in retrospect and others will be heartbreaking and filled with regret.

The reality is that in a crisis of life or death your brain literally functions differently. Your fight, flight and freeze response takes over. This is your body’s way of saving your life. Your nervous system reacts in a way that is effective in getting you mobilized to survive but also makes rational thought difficult. This is a biological phenomenon that we don’t always have complete control over. It is highly effective for survival but can set us up for self-doubt.  The rational part of your brain is difficult to access in time of crisis unless it has been highly trained to do so.

7. Forgive others. Everyone’s brains, emotions and bodies are drained and overwhelmed. That doesn’t always lead people to behave as their best selves. No matter how prepared anyone is for a crisis, no one is ever prepared for the reality. Friends and family often get on each other nerves at times like these. Crisis brings out the best and worst in people. Try to find patience for both.

Our first responders, government officials and everyone else is doing the best they can. Right now is the time to survive. There will be plenty of time to rehash the details and reassess how to be better prepared later. Right now the focus is on survival.

8. Accept help. You are likely getting offers of support from people who want to help. It is okay to take people up on it. Often survivors feel like they are doing better than some so that they feel guilty taking handouts, discounts and stuff from others. They often feel like somehow someone else needs it more. People want to help. Let them. In the end it will help you and them make sense of something that is nearly impossible to comprehend.

9. Recognize resiliency and hope. We spend a lot of time talking about trauma and PTSD in regards to disasters. These are real issues and always a concern after this kind of chaos. However, PTSD is not inevitable or even likely for most survivors. While everyone will be changed in some way by these events, most people are able to get back to their lives in meaningful and productive ways.  Some people will even come out stronger, more focused and better able to cope with the unpredictable nature of life. It takes time to get there. The human mind and body is built for resiliency. Trust that you will be able to manage and react to the next step when the next step presents itself.

10. Immerse yourself in the positive stories. There is a common quote that goes around the internet at times of crisis. It is from Mr. Rogers that says “Look for the Helpers.”  The idea is that there are so many stories of loss and heartache but there are also stories about heroes and strength. We see communities and people at their strongest when they are at their weakest. Look for the stories of strength. Look for the heroes big and small. This will help you make sense of the bigger picture down the road.

Take care of yourself and know that right now you are doing the best you can with the circumstances that happened.

I have also written a blog containing tips on helping children deal with tragedy which you can find here.

Krista Osborne, MSW, RSW is a Clinical Social Worker who specializes in trauma, grief and loss.

It is easy in the middle of chaos to become obsessed with the details and the talk of grown ups. After all there are important decisions to be made and critical choices to discuss. Most of these things are not appropriate for younger ears. It can needlessly worry and overwhelm them. Because we want to protect our kids from the big things, it is easy to forget to make sure that we also prioritize talking to them. When I think of the ongoing crisis happening in Fort McMurray, I think about the parents and how they are trying to help their children cope with the unimaginable.

For what it’s worth, here are some tips I’ve learned through working with families in crisis on how to deal with kids in the middle of a disaster.

1. Talk to your kids.

Remember everything to a child is big in a crisis.  This includes things as small as their favorite to toy to as big as their pets. Also the loss of routine, consistency and sense of safety will have big impacts. Here are some tips about talking with kids about a crisis:

• Speak to them directly. Don’t expect kids to pick up information from what is happening around them. They need to hear it from ideally their primary caregivers. They need to have the space and comfort to ask questions with your full attention.
• Be honest and factual.  Children and teens need to know they can come to you for the real answers and that you will tell them the truth. If you avoid talking about what happened, make up or gloss over details, your kids will know it. You don’t need to go into graphic detail, only answer what your child is asking or is curious about. The older the child, the more details they may want to know. Try not to speculate about things you don’t know. There is a lot of uncertainty in these situations. It is okay for children to know there is uncertainty as long as they know that you will tell them the truth.     
• Watch your language. Younger children are especially concrete. Flowery language and hyperbole can be confusing. Children are not good at abstract thought and usually take things literally. During a crisis they can become confused and that can make them more afraid. Try to be a clear and direct as possible in order to avoid misunderstandings. You know your child – use language that is appropriate for their age and ability to understand.
• Talk about feelings, including your own. If you are upset while telling your kids hard things, that is okay. If you’re angry, it is okay to share that with them. They probably already know. If you respond openly and honestly then they will learn that their emotions are okay too. Too often we try to hide our feelings and then wonder why our kids hide theirs.
• Tell them you love them.  It feels good for us to say and for them to hear.  So tell them until they are sick of hearing it. During a crisis this is the most important thing for them to know to help them feel safe.

2. Listen.

While talking is important, even more important is listening. Here a few tips to help you listen:

• Ask questions.  It is a good idea to understand what they have heard and what they understand. You will be better able to dispel misinformation and reassure fear if you keep your ears open and your mouth closed.
• Don’t give them more details than they need. Tragedies like this make grief relevant to them now. Your child will let you know how much they need to know by asking you questions. Respond to their questions and allow them to ask more. When they are ready to move on, they will change the subject.
• Move the conversation forward at their pace.  Kids absorb this stuff at different paces.  The conversation may be quick and matter of fact or quite detailed.  Either is just fine.  Your child will tell you when it is time to move on.  You need to follow their lead.

3. Provide safety.

Probably the most critical thing your child needs to know is that they are safe now. Focus on the things that help them feel safe. If you were able to rescue their security objects that is great, use them. If you were unable to, then help them search for something that they can use until you can find something permanent. The best security object they have is you.

If your child and family are not able to feel fully secure yet because your housing is temporary or you feel that the danger is still real, be honest but focus on all the protective factors around you. Some of the protective factors are the first responders, the equipment, their family and everything else that is there to keep them safe. Be sure to focus on the efforts taking place to get them some place secure.

4. Give them some control.

Children are often powerless. This is especially true in times of disaster. They don’t get to make the big decisions even though the decisions have a huge impact on their lives. This can be overwhelming and frustrating for anyone. Depending on your child’s age it may not be appropriate to include them on most of the big decisions but it is still important that they feel some sense of power over the world around them. Give your child as much choice as is appropriate for their age and ability to comprehend. Try not so overwhelm them with too many decisions but allow them safe and manageable choices. Choices such as “What should we eat?”, “Where do you want to sleep?” and “What do you want to play with?” can give them some sense of control and purpose.

5. Allow for grief. 

Some people will be affected more than others. Some kids/teens will need to talk, some kids/teens won’t. Give them the opportunity to talk, grieve and do whatever they need to do but don’t force them to do anything. One mistake parents make is to over-analyze, over-protect and over-process the events. Teens and children need to go back to their regular routine as soon as they can and are ready. If they are wanting to talk about other things, it is time to move on.

It will take time. Adolescents and children grieve over time, just like the rest of us. You may find that this doesn’t affect them now but it may affect them later. These things come and go over time in unpredictable ways. There is no time frame or end date. They are doing exactly what they need to be doing to grieve right now. Let them handle it however they need to.

6. Let them play.

One of the most therapeutic thing for any age group is play. It allows us to process things we need to process in a safe way. It allows us to distract ourselves by reconnecting with good feelings and it allows us to connect with the people around us in a meaningful way. Not every moment, even in such a brutal disaster, needs to be serious. Laughter and fun are excellent coping strategies.

7. Give yourself a break. Despite the “rules” I have laid out for you, there is no right way to do this. If you approach your child with love and compassion then they will learn from this experience about love and compassion. Trust your gut and your relationship with your child. Let that be the most influential guide.

For my previous post on Surviving Tragedy: For Survivors, click here.

Krista Osborne, MSW, RSW is a Clinical Social Worker who specializes in trauma, grief and loss.