Reconciliation is about respect: It is time for a name change

[two_third_last]tanisi, Krista Osborne, nitisiyihkâson. I am the daughter of Donna and Frank Wright. I was born in London, Ontario and moved to St. Albert when I was three years old. I come from a long line of settlers on this land. Today I write to you as I continue my journey in understanding what being a settler means. I have long ago learned of the legacy of residential schools in Canada and specifically in our community. I like to think of myself as pretty open to learning and understanding about these things. We had two residential schools here: St. Albert Youville and Edmonton Poundmaker, the latter of which closed in 1968.

I go through times where I ignore the realities of what this means happened in our community. As a person with great privilege, I can do that. I can ignore things that make me uncomfortable and hide behind thoughts like, “It wasn’t me, I didn’t do anything. It happened a long time ago.” These are the thoughts of a naïve younger version of myself.

I know that my indigenous friends and neighbours don’t have the luxury of turning it off like I do. They live with the legacy of residential schools daily through racism, ignorance and family trauma. The news of 215 children that died while they were supposed to be in the care of a school in Kamloops pulled me again out of my head in the sand. How many bodies of children are on the grounds of the sites of our residential schools?

I knew that Vital Grandin was one of the key architects of the residential school system but what I hadn’t understood is how direct his intentions were about irradicating indigenous culture: “We instill in them a pronounced distaste for the native life so that they will be humiliated when reminded of their origin.”- Vital Grandin.

This is unacceptable. It is unacceptable to have our First Nations and Metis citizens to have to live within communities and schools that bare this man’s name. For anyone that has ever been a victim of violence you know the difficulty it can be to utter the perpetrator’s name. Now think about sending your kid to the school named in that person’s honour or driving down the road with that name on your way to the grocery store. It is unacceptable.

The role of allies is to take on this fight. I am choosing not to ignore this any longer. I have to say something and do something. I should have a long time ago. It should not be the role of our First Nations and Metis citizens to have to fight for this acknowledgement.

Healing happens through relationship. Respect is earned.

Hiya, Hiya.

Supporting Youth after a Tragic Loss


I have to be honest with you. I am weary from writing blogs about losing young people.Tragedy wears us all down. St. Albert Public Schools lost two young people in the past couple of weeks, in different ways, though equally tragic. My heart goes out to Zach and Luke’s families. The only thing I know to do with these feelings is to reach out to my community to offer support.

I think the current context of our pandemic is taking its toll on all of us. My private practice is busier than ever and filled with teens that are struggling with anxiety, depression, trauma and grief. Not everything is pandemic-related but even if it isn’t, our youth aren’t able to connect and cope in the ways that they normally would regardless of the causes of their stress.

Our youth are struggling and these recent losses in our community have potential to be the breaking point for some. Here is the best advice I can give you for talking to your young people about loss. It was adapted from one of my earlier posts a few years ago after young Darian Mar died in an accident.

1. Talk to your kids. If a tragedy happens in a community, then the whole community grieves. Regardless of the age of your child, they will likely be exposed to this event in one way or another if they are a part of this community. Even if your child does not know these families or children directly, the school, sports teams and anyone connected directly or indirectly are likely to have a reaction. It is not just the tragic loss of young lives that has happened. The loss of their lives will ripple through the lives of our youth in ways that are too soon to understand.

2. Talk to your kids about suicide but also about life. Specifically for the loss of young Luke, it is important that we talk openly and compassionately with our kids about what happened. Stigma, shame and silence only lead to more tragedy. I don’t know Luke, but I know that he struggled in a way that I never want another kid to struggle. I also know that he was so much more than how he died.

3.Ask questions and listen. What is your teen hearing at school, on the field or wherever else they hang out? What are your child’s thoughts on what happened? If you are listening, you will hear the misinformation and more importantly be able to hear their fears. You will be better able to dispel disinformation and reassure them about their fears if you keep your ears open and your mouth closed.

4. Let them know that they are safe. Kids and teens are just like adults. They need to feel safe. COVID makes this tricky, I know. While it is important not to lie, it is also important for them to have perspective.

5. Empower them. There are things people can do to keep themselves and those they love as safe as possible. This is the time to remind youth about looking out for each other. Reaching out to adults if they are worried about a friend. Give them the tools they need to take charge of their grief and emotions.

6. Be honest. Teens and children need to know where to go for the truth. If you don’t talk about it, or make up and gloss over details, your kids will know it. You don’t need to go into graphic detail, only answer what your child is asking. This goes for health issues and for suicide. We can’t protect our kids from the reality of tragedy but we can support them through it.

7. Watch your language. Young children are very concrete. They don’t understand flowery language like “passed on” or “went to sleep.” It often makes us feel better softening the words, but it can confuse and scare children. They need concrete language that they can understand such as “died” and “his body stopped working.” That doesn’t mean you have to leave your religious beliefs out but be cautious about being too vague.

With teens you can be more philosophical, their ability to handle abstract thinking is more mature. Make sure to explore their understandings and beliefs, not just present your own. Adolescents need to explore all sorts of ideas so that they can figure out who they are in the world. Use the opportunity to understand them better. It will help you both feel closer.

For those closer to the deaths look out for magical thinking. So often youth feel responsible for bad things happening. “What if I was there?”, “What if I didn’t do this?”, “He would still be here if I’d only…” This comes from part of brain development that hasn’t completed yet for youth. They often think in ways that are less global and more personal which can lead them to guilting themselves for things that couldn’t possibly be their fault. If you see this in your kid, listen first and then clarify the reality.

8. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Some people will be affected more than others. Some kids/teens will need to talk, some kids/teens won’t. During these COVID times grieving is difficult. We don’t have the ability to get together to grieve. Find creative ways to support your kids, yourselves and the families that have lost their children. Give people the opportunity to talk, grieve and do whatever they need to do but don’t force them to do anything. One mistake parents make is to over-analyze, over-protect and over-process the events. Teens and children need to go back to their regular routine as soon as they are ready. If they are wanting to talk about other things, it is time to move on.

9. It takes time. Adolescents and children grieve over time, just like the rest of us. You may find that this doesn’t affect them now, but it may affect them later. These things come and go over time in unpredictable ways. We often give people a ton of support around the time of an incident but then fade out. There is no time frame or end date.

10. Support your kids in being supportive. If your child is a support for anyone involved help them to be present to their friends. They don’t have to do anything special, just play, hang out and listen. Often teens avoid situations that are intensely emotional. Your child may struggle to know what to say or do. Help them come up with a plan. Grieving families just need to know that people care, and that they can just be themselves. They don’t need to be treated with kid gloves, put on a pedestal, or avoided like they have some infectious disease. They have had a horrible thing happen in their life. They deserve to have people walk with them in their grief so they don’t have to do this alone.

11. Give yourself a break. Despite the “rules” I have laid out for you, there is no right way to do this. If you approach your youth with love and compassion, then they will learn from this experience about love and compassion. Trust your gut and your relationship with your child. Let that be the most influential guide.

Resources:
If you are struggling with mental health concerns, please consider phoning any of these agencies or organizations:

Suicide Distress Line: 780.482.4357
Kids Help Phone: 1.800.668.6868
Youth Emergency Shelter: 780.468.7070
Children/Youth Mental Health Crisis: 780.427.4491
Alberta Health Services, Mental Health Supports, Mental Health and Addictions counselling for adults and children: 780.342.1410
Zebra Child Protection Centre: 780.421.2385
Adult Mental Health Crisis: 780.424.2424

Trauma Triggers: Sexual Assault

This has been a rough week. A rough week for anyone that has experienced sexual assault. A rough week for anyone that has experienced sexual harassment and a rough week for anyone that has had to protect themselves from these things.  It has also been rough for those who love survivors. Because you are taking the time to read this, it has likely been rough on you and it has definitely been rough on me.

Hearing stories in the news of sexual violence can trigger our own stories of these events.  It can bring up many emotions including fear, sadness and in some instances rage.  Many people are driven to tell their stories, to say #metoo.  Others are driven to donate, volunteer and find ways to help survivors.  I feel like I need to do my part.  So here are a few things that come to mind that may help you or the people in your life that are struggling with the things going on around us.

  1. You are safe now and someone will believe you. Part of the hardest part for victims of sexual assault is the issue of guilt and blame. Often this is an internal process. Survivors often second guess the events themselves.  Often they try to justify the actions of others by taking responsibility.  ” I didn’t say no.” or ” I don’t think he/she meant to go that far” or ” I think they were confused.”  It doesn’t help that society and our judicial process often reinforce these same stories.  So many survivors walk through life confused and hurt. They think that they are the ones that did something wrong. If you are supporting someone through an assault, your job is to listen and believe them.  They will have more than enough self-doubt for the both of you.
  2. Prepare for what is coming.  Hearing of other people’s trauma will reconnect you with your own. This happens regardless how much time, distance and therapy you have had to help you process the events. This means that flashbacks, nightmares, hyper-vigilance and/or uncomfortable emotions may reoccur. The trick with this is to not panic. It is a normal part of healing. It is a warning sign that you may need to shore up your coping skills and emphasize taking care of yourself for a while but it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong.
  3. You don’t have to talk, tell your story or do anything at all. While watching the news or reading stories about others who have been assaulted, victims sometimes feel guilt for keeping their stories quiet especially while others step forward. The brave people who step forward are often attacked, humiliated and re-victimized. It is okay to not want that in your life. Only you know if telling your story on a larger scale is worth it in your life. Only you can make that choice.  For some it is worth it to be heard.  It is worth it for them to fight. For others they want to move forward and leave that in the past. Either way there should be no room for judgement. Both take courage.
  4. Bear witness or not.  Some people will want to listen to the news and hear the stories of these survivors and bear witness to their bravery. It is a way to feel community and to know that you are not alone. It can be powerful for those who have remained quiet to understand that others have struggled in the way that they have. The opposite is also true.  For some it is too painful to hear. For some they need to turn off the news and ignore the whole thing. The triggers are too raw and quite frankly it isn’t emotionally safe.  Maybe they just don’t want to. Whatever you need is fine. Your job is to take care of yourself and those around you. Trust that others will take care of these women. Putting yourself in harm’s way will not change what is happening to them.
  5. Dosage is important. For me, I feel an obligation to listen to survivors that tell their story. I think this is an occupational hazard. I have to be careful not to overwhelm myself with the stories of others. Especially the stories that I have no control over. I need to limit my exposure. There comes a point when the TV needs to turn off and I need to step away from CNN. So be careful with the amount you expose yourself to.  Pay attention to your mind and body. When they are telling you that you have had enough, it is time to stop. Pushing through that boundary puts you in danger of re-traumatizing yourself.
  6. Take care of yourself. When you feel triggered often self-care is the first thing to drop off the priority list. Focus on the simple things. Breathing, eating healthy, drinking water and exercise are good things to focus on.  Also don’t underestimate the power of a good “pity party”.  Sometimes that is what we need.  Pity parties are only a problem if you can’t get out of it.  However you take care of you is okay. You are doing the best you can right now.
  7. “Look for the Helpers”.  I love this Mr. Rogers quote. It is easy to get obsessed with the details of the trauma but there are always heroes in these stories. Look for them. They can be found in small gestures, or big statements but they are always there. Stories of triumph, sacrifice and bravery deserve to be honoured. They are what brings me hope that things are changing for survivors and for women in general.
  8. Reach Out for Help.  We all get wrapped up in our own lives.  I always ask my clients, “who in your life would want to know that this is happening for you?” or “Who in your life would drop what they are doing and come to help if you needed it?”  This gives me a clue as to who to encourage them to reach out to.  This doesn’t have to be a dramatic intervention. It could be a simple phone call or text message of support that you need.  It helps to know that you aren’t alone even if you don’t want to talk.  If you do want to talk, find someone to talk to. If you don’t have someone that you trust to talk to then use the services that are out there.  I have listed a few below in the Edmonton area. There are therapists, like myself, that also work with survivors if that is something that could work for you. Only you know what you need.

We are in this together. Whether you are a survivor of assault or a supporter, I believe that there are way more of us than there are of them. If we take care of each other without pressure or judgement, healing is not only possible but probable.

Links

Sexual Assault Centre of Edmonton  – Crisis and Information Line- 780-423-4121

Distress Line of Edmonton  – If you’re in distress, call 780-482-HELP (4357). If you’re outside of the greater Edmonton region, call the Rural Distress Line at 1-800-232-7288.

Anne’s Words

It’s really a wonder that I haven’t dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can’t build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery, and death. I see the world gradually being turned into wilderness, I hear the ever approaching thunder, which will destroy us too, I can feel the sufferings of millions and yet, if I look up into the heavens I think that it will all come out all right, that this cruelty too will end, and that peace and tranquillity will return again.    -Anne Frank 

Anne Frank wrote these words a few short days before her family was found and taken to the concentration camps in the last few months of World War II.  She saw the inevitability of the end of the war coming yet she and most of her family would not live to see it.

As I watch the news lately it is hard not to be catapulted into apathy.  Like Anne,  I can hear the thunder.  Yet the world’s problems seem so big for my voice to be heard against it.  It seems like the the people that need to hear my voice aren’t listening. They are consumed by their own fear.  It is hard to hear each other in the middle of a storm.

Then there are Anne’s words. Her desire at 14 to be heard and to influence the world is inspiring. Her inability to be anything but authentic changed the way people saw the war. She was thoughtful, intelligent and above all just a girl with hopes and dreams like any other.  She is proof of tenacity of the human spirit to fight for good. Despite all probabilities, her voice was eventually heard, not just because she had the courage to write but because others had the courage to listen to the uncomfortable reality of what happened to her and others like her.

I don’t know where our world is going.  I don’t like what I am seeing. Likely it has always been this scary.  I have just been blessed with the privilege of not always needing to notice.  I wanted to share Anne’s words with you in case they inspire you like they do me. Her youthful wisdom is as important today as the day she wrote them.  Her idealism lives on in me.

 

Humboldt Strong

Over the course of my career I have written too many of these types of posts. I feel like our community has been through so much over the last few years. For me it started with Thomas Wedman, a young boy that died on his way to school, then there was Constable Wynn, an officer that died protecting our community and of course the loss of Darian Mar last year, a young man struck by a vehicle while on his bike. Many in my community have felt these losses personally. I have spoken to many clients about the direct and indirect impact these losses have had on their lives. While each of us have likely experienced our own losses over this same timeframe there is something unique about a grief that hits the community as a whole. This type of grief ripples through us and touches us all deeply in a shared sense of loss.

This week St. Albert lost four young men. These young men were doing what so many of our other young people do in this community. They were going to play hockey. For so many of us, St. Albert is a hockey city.  So many of us parents spend hours at the rinks watching our children have the same dream that Conner Lukan, Logan Hunter, Stephen Wack, and Jaxon Joseph were working hard to make real. Hockey parents can put themselves directly in their parents’ shoes. Not only is this a personal loss for so many in our community, it is also a loss that hits the rest of us so close to home. The loss has not only personal roots but cultural ones.

It could have been my boy on that bus, just like it could have been my daughter on that bike. We go through life pretending and ignoring the brutal reality that it can happen to any of us.  The grief we feel is about Conner, Logan, Stephen, Jaxon and their families but it is also that we are faced with the shared delusion that we all have more time. Some day there will be no more time left with the people we love.

Here are a few things that I am hoping that you will keep in mind while we walk through this grief again.

This is personal. 

Everyone in our community will be touched by this in one way or another. For some it will be deeply personal. There are families, friends, neighbours, schoolmates, teachers and coaches that will feel this grief directly. For others it will be more indirect. We may not know the boys but we are connected to their stories through people that were close to them. Either way the grief is real. Grief has a way of touching all the other losses we have had throughout our lives. So even those indirectly connected can feel this on a deeply personal level. Hearing the stories of this loss has me re-experiencing the loss of my father even though these two events are completely unrelated. The feelings touch each other.

If you are personally grieving this trauma here is a previous post I did on Surviving a Crisis that may be helpful.

Try not to judge your reaction or the reaction of others. 

Grief is unique. Some people will hear the story and quickly move on while others will obsess over the details. Both are okay. As long as you trust and listen to yourself and what you need. We as a community have been here before.  Here is a post I wrote on how we as a community can help in times of tragedy.

Support our young people.

If loss isn’t something that someone has experienced directly yet in their life, a loss like this can be life altering. Being faced with the reality of death can be shocking for youth. Brain development is such that one of the last areas of our brain to develop is our prefrontal cortex.  This is the part of the brain that is responsible for decision making and moral development. What does this mean? Teenagers and young adults are insightful, intelligent and not as concerned about risks.  This makes them highly creative, inventive and open minded.  The problem is that they don’t always understand the full weight of the consequences of risk taking because many of them haven’t yet experienced the fragility of life. Having death happen to someone they know or close to them can shake their feelings of safety and security. They understand on a deeper level that those they love and they themselves will ultimately die.  That can be hard for any of us to face.

Here is a previous post I wrote with some tips on how to talk to your youth:  Helping children and teens through loss.

Do something.

Action can be empowering when we all feel helpless. That is part of the reason I write these posts. I do it in hopes that it will reach someone that needs it. I do it in hopes that my words will make some impact. Others donate money, bring food or tie ribbons on trees.  All of these actions can have huge impacts. While you may not be able to do something for these families, there are many families that could use help in many ways. Reach out to those communities too. I have spent a fair bit of time thinking of not just the families of these young men but of the families of other young people that have died in other communities recently. Don’t forget them either. Grief has a way of connecting us all and compassion is the glue.

I never know how to end a post like this. There is so much more to say and yet there are no words. Take care of yourself and each other as we walk through this together.

Practical Guide to a New Year

fireworksThis morning I woke up far too early. In the early hours in the morning on the first day of a new year it is easy become nostalgic, reflective and overly sentimental. Thoughts of resolutions, change and new beginings start to seep into my head. Then it dawned on me, I don’t need to be a victim of the New Years’s tradition of “shoulds” and the self-depricating garbage that comes with it.  So this year I decided to use my early morning musings to give you some free advice.

1. New Year’s resolutions are traps

Motivational speakers, personal trainers and the weight loss industry all want us to buy into the story that if we only try harder, put more focused energy into ourselves, then we can transform into our ideal self. In my experience, that isn’t how the world and people work. Change that sticks is more subtle. You can not make yourself a “project” and expect satisfying results. You are not a hobby or a construction project. You are a complex interaction of your mind, body, soul and community. You are greater than the sum of your parts.  Resolutions fail because they don’t take into account the complexity of you. Often they only focus on one aspect of ourselves and ignore the complexity of the human spirit.

Resolutions imply judgement. Underneath judgment is comparison, jealousy, envy and other unflattering things. These are the uglier sides of our human nature.  They can be toxic, extreme and disconnecting.  The reality is that judgement is a form of self-protection.  It shields us from the deeper truth.  At the core of judgement is hurt and trauma. You can’t heal hurt with more hurt.

Still, if you really need to make a resolution or set an intention for the year make it simple: Do more of what makes you feel good and less of what makes you feel bad.

2. Acceptance is the key to pretty much everything

When people come to me they often want a “fix”.  They want me to do some magical therapy or say some magic words that will create change in their lives.  Sadly I still have not perfected my magic wand skills.  I believe the magic of therapy is what Carl Rogers described as “unconditional positive regard”.  This means that basically having someone believe in you, have faith in you and accept you regardless of what you have done is often life changing.

You don’t need to be in therapy for this to work. Accepting your partner, your children and most importantly yourself, just as you are will revolutionize your relationships. This is of course easier said than done. Accepting that your teenager’s room is a mess or that your partner sometimes isn’t capable of the intimacy you would like is hard and sometimes disappointing. Accepting that you are overweight, out of shape and older than you’d like is hard. Whole industries have emerged to encourage us not to accept this.  Acceptance is hard work and a never ending challenge. It is also totally worth it.

I don’t want to imply that we should accept being treated badly. Sometimes acceptance means recognizing that you cannot change other people. Sometimes acceptance means seeing a person’s faults and protecting yourself from them. Sometimes acceptance means letting go and saying goodbye because that is the only choice we have.  Acceptance is about choosing calm rather than a fight.  When you accept yourself without judgement that is when lasting change becomes possible. Acceptance means finding a place to start that releases you from the past that got you there.

3. Embrace change

Embracing change means doing a hard reality check. You are never going to be exactly where you are again. I look back on my 20s and wonder why I was so worried about my weight, and how I looked. I wasted time worrying about the inevitable rather than enjoying what I had. Embracing change is another form of acceptance. Life will always be changing around you. Nothing remains stagnant.  This is both good news and bad. For me embracing change means acknowledging the here and now. I try to rejoice in the good of the moment and be relieved the struggles will also be temporary. Walking with my father through his last few months was both excruciating and rewarding. I don’t think I could have done it without knowing that it was temporary for me and for him. But it also is what allowed me to be present and enjoy our last moments.  Change is scary but you can’t fight it so you might as well participate in how it evolves.

4. Foster meaning and connection 

The two main reasons people come into therapy is that they are in need of meaning and connection. They feel disconnected from others and themselves. They feel isolated and alone. Often this leads to the existential  question; “What is the point?’ Sadly there is no easy answer to any of these issues. Finding the answers is a personal journey. The way to find meaning is to explore joy and connection. It is a journey that you don’t need to do alone. Showing up in people’s lives is important. Being present to the people we care about is often inconvenient. Asking for help is difficult. Making time and having good boundaries is essential to feeling connected.

5.  Reflection is healthy

The new year is a time that we often reflect back on our life. This is healthy. It is good to take stock and make adjustments. It is better if we approach our reflections with kindness rather than judgement.  For me 2016 was the year I grew up and became an adult at 40. I dealt with loss and learned my own strength. Last year, 2017, was a year of adjusting. It was adjusting to a new world in which my father was no longer a part, at least not in the way I wanted. It was helping my family and I manage these changes. It was about shifts in my relationships with my children as they grow and thrive. It was about shifting responsibilities with my partner as he started a new professional adventure. It was about making room in our home for more love in the form of two mysterious and curious kittens. It was a good year. This upcoming year has adventures already planned and some adventures will also come that I’m sure that won’t be as welcome.

Regardless of what the year brings for all of us focusing on embracing life and being kind to ourselves will make it a healthier year than being judgmental to ourselves and others.  I hope today you take the time to look back, plan ahead but mostly enjoy what now has to offer.  Happy New Year.

 

 

Avoiding Death

tombstone I think a lot about death. I talk a lot about death. I read a lot about death. I guess I’m a bit morbid. I have come to believe that the way we view death is problematic. It is something to be feared, postponed and avoided.

I have seen a lot of suffering in dying. I have seen feeding tubes put in, organs transplanted, cancer removed all in an effort to avoid death. I have seen bodies radiated, medicated and mutilated in order to prolong life. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it is worth it. Sometimes the suffering is short. Often it is not. Often we only prolong suffering. Often we forget the kind of life we are saving them for. We sometimes deny people a good death only to have them struggle with slow decline.

My father’s death was horrible but also kind of perfect. There was little struggle. It was expected. There was no fight. We had no choice but to accept it. We got to prioritize him. We spent time as a family that we don’t often do. All the other events in our life became unimportant for a while. I got to nurture, comfort and protect him in ways that I never did before. He got to see how strong we were and feel the pride of knowing he did well by us. While he suffered, it wasn’t long. There is something beautiful in that kind of death. We had no choice but to embrace it.

Not all deaths are peaceful and expected. Death is often about trauma, heartache and failure. We sacrifice the last moments with our loved ones to doctors, medics and machines. We pull people from the brink of death only to have them have to do it again. What if we viewed death differently? What if we recognized its inevitability? What if we prioritized a good death rather than a longer life? How would things change?  What if death was about life, about connection, and about celebration?

Contemplating the end of my own existence is sad. I enjoy life. I enjoy watching my family grow and change. I would not want to miss any of it. I have come to think of my death much like I thought of birthing my children. I worried about the potential pain and the uncertainty about what was on the other side. As I got further along in my preganacies I worried less. Labour is a natural process that I would get through one way or another. There was no choice. It is a part of life that all mothers experience. There is a deep connection there to my ancestors and to the future generations of my family. I wonder if there is a similar feeling of connection in death.

It is not my place to judge people’s choices. I have no doubt that if faced with a fatal illness I too would fight. I just also hope that I would know when to stop. I hope that I will spend my last moments with someone peacefully rather than in traumatic desperation.  Either way I will have to do it eventually. It is on my to-do list, although at the very bottom.

Helping Children and Teens through Loss

IMG_9350rParents often struggle with finding ways to help kids dealing with hard events that happen in life. This week our community lost another young life. Here is some advice for parents on how to help their kids through this difficult time.

1. Talk to your kids.  If a tragedy happens in a community then the whole community grieves.  Regardless of the age of your child, they will likely be exposed to this event in one way or another if they are a part of this community. Even if your child does not know the victim or family directly, the school, sports teams and anyone connected directly or indirectly are likely to have a reaction. It is not just the tragic loss of a young life that has happened. The loss of his life will ripple through the lives of our youth in ways that are too soon to understand.

2. Ask questions and listen.  What is your teen hearing at school, on the field or wherever else they hang out? What are your child’s thoughts on what happened? If you are listening you will hear the misinformation and more importantly be able to hear their fears. You will be better able to dispel disinformation and reassure fear if you keep your ears open and your mouth closed.

3. Let them know that they are safe. Kids and teens are just like adults. They need to feel safe. We often like to believe that bad things don’t happen to good people. When faced with the reality of life, we all are often shaken up. While it is important not to lie, it is also important for them to have perspective. Remind them that this is an isolated event. This  won’t happen every day and that it is unlikely to happen to them or someone they love. Acknowledge the risk but focus on the protective factors.

4. Empower them. There are things people can do to keep themselves as safe as possible. This is the time to remind youth about how to obey laws and traffic safety. It is a time to teach kids about the importance of being present to what is going on around them and to be aware of potential dangers.  That isn’t always enough to prevent these types of tradgedies but it is something tangible that they can do.

5. Be honest. Teens and children need to know where to go for the truth. If you don’t talk about it, make up or gloss over details, your kids will know it. You don’t need to go into graphic detail, only answer what your child is asking.   

6. Watch your language. Young children are very concrete. They don’t understand flowery language like “passed on” or “went to sleep.” It often makes us feel better softening the words but it can confuse and scare children. They need concrete language that they can understand such as “died” and “his body stopped working.” That doesn’t mean you have to leave your religious beliefs out, but be cautious about being too vague.

With teens you can be more philosophical, their ability to handle abstract thinking is more mature. Make sure to explore their understandings and beliefs, not just present your own. Adolescents need to explore all sorts of ideas so that they can figure out who they are in the world. Use the opportunity to understand them better. It will help you both feel closer.

For those closer to the event look out for magical thinking. So often youth feel responsible for bad things happening.  “What if I was there,”  “What if I didn’t do this,” “He would still be here if I’d only”.  This comes from part of brain development that hasn’t completed yet for youth. They often think in ways that are less global and more personal which can lead them to guilting themselves for things that couldn’t possibly be their fault. If you see this in your kid, listen first and then clarify the reality.

7. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Some people will be affected more than others. Some kids/teens will need to talk, some kids/teens won’t. Some will want to attend the memorial, some will not.

Give them the opportunity to talk, grieve and do whatever they need to do but don’t force them to do anything. One mistake parents make is to over-analyze, over-protect and over-process the events. Teens and children need to go back to their regular routine as soon as they are ready. If they are wanting to talk about other things, it is time to move on.

8. It takes time. Adolescents, and children grieve over time, just like the rest of us. You may find that this doesn’t affect them now but it may affect them later. These things come and go over time in unpredictable ways. We often give people a ton of support around the time of an incident but then fade out. There is no time frame or end date.

9. Support your kids in being supportive. If your child is a support for anyone involved help them to be present to their friends. They don’t have to do anything special, just play, hang out and listen. Often teens avoid situations that are intensely emotional. So your kid may struggle to know what to say or do. Help them come up with a plan.

The family just need to know that people care, and that they can just be themselves. They don’t need to be treated with kid gloves, put on a pedestal, or avoided like they have some infectious disease. They have had a horrible thing happen in their life. They deserve to have people walk with them in their grief so they don’t have to do this alone.

10. Give yourself a break. Despite the “rules” I have laid out for you, there is no right way to do this. If you approach your youth with love and compassion then they will learn from this experience about love and compassion. Trust your gut and your relationship with your child. Let that be the most influential guide.

The Grieving Helper

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I haven’t blogged in a long time. The reason being is that I really struggled to find anything productive to say. It is hard when you are fighting your own inner battles to focus on things like writing. Every time I sat down to write I felt like a fraud and a hypocrite. Anything I wrote seemed glib and flat. Mostly I have been just putting one foot in front of the other trying to survive. There isn’t anything particularly inspirational about that.

You see over the past year and a half I have been struggling with my own loss. My father died in November of cancer. He was diagnosed early and doctors were able to buy us a precious year and a half before the inevitable came.  That last year was an invaluable gift. We talked, we traveled and he helped tie up loose ends. His battle was brutal but not as brutal as some. While the struggle was long, the end came quick.

I struggle to share this with you. Professionally there is only so much value in sharing my personal life. While my blog is personal in nature I try to walk a line between oversharing and being too clinical. While I was in the middle of the chaos the lines were blurred. Was I sharing for my own therapy or to help others?  It felt safer personally and professionally to remain quiet so I did.

Also it didn’t always feel like my story to tell. My family members have a right to their privacy. My Dad was a private man and really didn’t want anyone knowing about his health. There are many people that get claim to this loss and the story around it. I didn’t want to prioritize my experience above theirs.

But as the chaos wanes I find myself with something to say. While grief and loss have always been one of my professional areas of interest, it is a whole other thing to experience it personally. I understand grief intellectually, that has been helpful. What I didn’t know was how hard it is to juggle my grief and the grief of those around me.  The following are a couple of things that I am learning that I think may be helpful to anyone both grieving and supporting others in their grief.

1. Prioritize

I want to say that you should always prioritize your grief above others but the reality of this isn’t true. We are all part of bigger family systems.  Sometimes my grief takes priority in my life. Sometimes it doesn’t. My Dad was the one dying. For me, it was hard to trump that. Helping him through that was the first thing on my priority list. Not just for him but because I knew I would survive by doing what I do best, helping. Then when he died others hit the top of the list. My children lost their grandfather. My mother lost her partner of 48 years. They all needed some extra support at least that is what I told myself. They may have different ideas. In my view of the world these are reasonable sacrifices. This is part of my role in my family and I am no martyr. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

That said some days, my sanity came first. Some minutes, or hours I just had to step out of their stuff and into my own. How I chose to prioritize tasks and people was a decision that I made and changed constantly. The people around me had to prioritize things as well. Sometimes these priorities lined up. Sometimes they didn’t. I remind myself even now that everyone has the right to prioritize their life however they want and need to. It is really none of my business. I can like it or not like it but it isn’t up to me.

2. Everyone grieves differently

Doka and Martin (2010) described what they saw as fundamentally different grieving styles. They delineated between what they classified as “instrumental” verses “intuitive” grievers. Instrumental grievers are people who grieve by “doing.”  Their grief is shown through action. They will roll up their sleeves and take on projects. Sometimes these projects were related to the loss though not always.  Intuitive grievers are more emotional. They “feel’ the loss. They grieve through their emotions. Often these styles happened along gender lines.

While I believe that there is more than just two styles of grievers, Doka and Martin’s conceptual framework is useful in understanding families. Families are made up of a variety of grieving styles and they don’t always mix well. Some people barely seem to grieve at all.  This too is Okay. Things get complicated when needs are different. Often families look at each other and think that others are “doing it wrong.”

3. Grief is an individual journey

Grief is an individual journey. You can’t do it for someone. There is no fix. They will have to figure it out for themselves. You can join them on their journey if they let you. Ultimately grief is something that everyone has to find their own way of managing. This is hard, especially if you think you can see an answer that they can’t or won’t. You are not the one in control no matter how much you want to be.

4. Grief will highlight other family dynamics

All families have interesting quirks. There are alliances, communication issues and down right dysfunction in every family. Grief will inevitably bring these to the forefront of relationships. People are often more sensitive and less tolerant in the middle of loss. This is why families reprocess old trauma and argue old battles. This is normal even though nerve wracking. So don’t be surprised if things get a little tense. Even the most highly functional families will likely struggle. It is part of renegotiating new roles. Try to be patient with each other. In some families grief provides an opportunity to move past issues and become closer to loved ones.

5. Your stories won’t be the same

The funny thing about our brains is that they are actually very poor at recalling details of traumatic events. Some things will be etched into our memories with crazy amounts of detail and other things our brain will just make up to suit our version of the story. Each griever will have their own version of events. These versions will have similarities in “facts” but are often pretty different in interpretation. People tend to skew events to reinforce the way they see themselves and those around them. This can cause endless arguments.

This one was easy for me to forget in the depths of my family’s loss. I am just as guilty as everyone else. The reality of how I remember my father’s death is just as flawed and inaccurate as anyone else’s. There is no point in arguing details or interpretation. My story is mine. Their story is theirs. The “truth” is somewhere in there but probably isn’t as relevant as we want it to be.

6. Lean in

This can mean many things. Lean in to the grief and not away from it. Sadness is both torturous and gratifying. Grief isn’t always about pain, sometimes it is about relief and gratitude. Feelings demand to be felt so take the time to let yourself feel them. Give the people in your life the room to feel whatever it is that they need to feel. This means make room for sadness but also joy. Feelings are unpredictable and sometimes don’t make a lot of sense.

Leaning in is also about using supports. While my father was dying my partner was an enormous help. He just did whatever needed to be done. I hate asking for help or feeling weak so it was hard to just let people help me. My friends texted and called even when I didn’t answer. They brought lunch. They helped with kids and they just waited for whatever I needed. While the intensity of support has waned. I also don’t need it the same way right now. If you are grieving reach out for the support you need. Lean on the people in your life. You will likely be surprised at the people that are there to help if you ask. You also will be surprised at who isn’t.

Encourage the people in your life to find supports around them. The more connections a person has the better. If you are helping someone with their grief, keep encouraging them to build in more supports. When you have a bad day they will still have others to rely on.

I don’t want to imply that my grief is over. It has been 6 months since my father died and my grief is alive and well inside me. It will likely stay with me for the rest of my life. For me, and for now, the crisis is over. At least that is how I feel today. Tomorrow may be different.

 

References

Doka, K. & Martin, T. (2010) Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding the ways men and women mourn. Revised edition. Routledge Taylor Francis group.  New York.

The Red Wheelbarrow

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Photo: Rachel Pasch/Flickr

In 1994 I was a different person, or so I thought.  I was young, naive and pretty headstrong. I got into the University of Alberta with mediocre marks thinking I didn’t belong. I was full of ideas but low on self-esteem and confidence. I was on the brink of adulthood with no plan, no map and no idea. I did have opinions, gumption and no filter. I was happy to voice an opinion without thinking through consequences, and hurt feelings.

One thing I did know is that I wanted my English Professor to admit that not everything was full of metaphor and that it was not possible to write an eight page essay on a 16 word poem. It was hard to believe that “so much depends on a red wheelbarrow” or any other wheelbarrow for that matter.

so much depends
upon
a red wheel
barrow
glazed with rain
water
beside the white
chickens.

 By William Carlos Williams

Twenty-two years later I had barely thought of that class or the petite young professor with her long blonde hair perched on the table at the front of the room gracefully dodging the class’ criticism and negativity. I do however think often about the texts we read. I will never forget Frankenstein and its connection to the modern day question of humanity. I won’t forget the astonishment I had when reading Obasan and the realization that Canadians are just as guilty of human atrocities as other countries. Honestly, I think that book was the beginning of my passion for social justice. The spark of my feminist roots can also be traced to a nameless woman trapped behind The Yellow Wallpaper.

This week has been a week of reflection. I turned 40. It hasn’t been traumatic. Truth be told I have felt 40 for a long time. My life as a parent, professional, and caregiver have left little room for the notion of immaturity. In many ways I can relate to all the women Charlotte Perkins Stetson described lurking behind the yellow wallpaper. My life is full of responsibilities and expectations. I think I understand now about the red wheelbarrow, although I’m still not sure about the chickens.

It isn’t as much of a downer as that sounds. My life is also full of purpose, success, and joy mostly because of those responsibilities. I am very grateful for how things have turned out. I am proud of myself and the life I have built.

This week 22 years later, I was sitting in a yet another classroom. One of the facilitators of the course approached me during a break. She said she only taught one Krista as a professor and it was in her first year teaching. She described to me the young lady that somehow was etched in her memory. She described that young woman as smart, opinionated and fairly abrupt in her critiques.

There is something strange in seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes 22 years later. She told me that my essay on The Yellow Wallpaper was probably the best essay that she read that year. I guess I was smarter than I thought.

This year I got the best birthday present. I got to visit with a younger version of myself. I got to see myself through someone else’s eyes.

I also got to thank a mentor. The sign of a good professor is when her lessons stick with you even years later.  I would say she was an enormous success.